Gentlemen, blow your vuvuzelas, bash your desks, splash on some aftershave and spontaneously embrace the next male you see, because the news we have all been waiting for has arrived. Sienna. Miller. Is. Single.
The 28-year-old actress, caner and all-round sex object ‘mutually split’ from boyfriend Jude Law yesterday, prompting wild celebrations from every male on the planet bar Law himself.
But let’s not be too premature, eh lads? After all, we’ve been here before. The Layer Cake hottie, who came 88th in FHM’s 100 Sexiest Women in the World 2010 poll, also split with the fop when he slept with their nanny in 2005, only to go crawling back to him in December 2009.
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Who did she do in between? Good, if a little bold, question. In between her relationships with Law, Miller had an affair with Balthazar Getty and dated Rhys Ifans. Brothers and Sisters star Getty is an incredibly rich, good-looking playboy with a couple of yachts and houses all over the globe. And Ifans is a scruffy drunk best known for wearing a pair of dirty Y-Fronts in Notting Hill.
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Conclusion? Let’s forget about trying to woo Sienna via the ‘Getty route’ and start trying to snare her via the ‘Ifans route’. Which means… not shaving, growing a barnet that’s half Boris Johnson/half scarecrow and imbibing copious amounts alcohol. Which means we’re heading to Mr Toppers this lunchtime and our local Sam Smith pub this evening. See you at the bar.