So something happened on the TV which and Cheryl Tweedy told an 18-year-old Zimbabwean lady called Gamu that she absolutely was not willing to subject her to weeks of public scrutiny and on-stage bullying from a fat man with a fake hair. Instead, on the programme The X Factor, she chose someone called Katie Waissel who claims to be “unique” but is actually a really rubbish version of Madonna who’s had a lifetime of lessons in ANNOYING, and someone who seems quite excellent called Cher Lloyd. This person:

Then, right, the world went mental and decided it wanted to kill Cheryl Tweedy.

Someone particularly mental even decided that he didn’t want to just kill Cheryl Tweedy, but “any girl with name Cheryl”. For example this person:

The thing is, though, right, yeah, (still with us?), is this isn’t the first time someone’s wanted to kill Cheryl Tweedy. A few years ago a dude from South Tyneside called Darryn Walker wrote a 12-page article called Girls (Scream) Aloud which explained how he’d like to torture, mutilate and murder all the members of the girl band. This girl band:

Here’s an extract: “Even as she had watched the others’ legs being sawed off and listened to their screams a part of her tried to convince her that it couldn’t have been so bad. How wrong she was!” Hm, good stuff. He didn’t go to jail, because he was just having a laugh.

Then, in 2009, a chap called Alan Linton threatened to kill Cheryl Cole AND Celtic FC goalkeeper Artur Boruc. He sent letters to a newspaper threatening to put a bullet through Tweedy’s head when Girls Aloud played live at the SECC. He did go to jail, because he was insane.

STAY INSIDE CHERYL FOR GOD’S SAKE IT’S NOT SAFE. RUN GAMU, RUN FOR YOUR LIFE. ESCAPE WHILE YOU STILL CAN! IT’S NOT SAFE HERE! GO BACK TO ZIMBABWE WHERE YOU’LL BE SAFE AND WARM! Oh, wait.

MORE CHERYL:

1/ At last, a Cheryl Cole commemorative plate
2/ Cheryl Cole is Woman Of The Year
3/ 100 Sexiest Women 2008 - the results