The premise of forthcoming Brit-flick Demons Never Die is that a group of kids make a suicide pact – i.e. decide to all kill themselves – but then a murderer starts popping them off one by one.

Well that sounds pretty handy, eh? Save you the bother of topping yourself. A nice little time-saver. A bit like hiring a cleaner because you can’t be arsed to scrape the pizza droppings off your own bed, or a dog-walker because you’re a lazy bastard and the prospect of taking Lord Growlington out for a stroll appeals as much as eating one of those urinal ‘cakes’ – SUCH a misleading name, TRUST US *shudder*.

But, if they were all like "sweet, me first please mister murderer", it would have made a bit of a naff film. So, instead, they turn all ungrateful and decide they don't want to be killed, after all. Jeeez, kids these days - can't they just make up their bloody minds?

They all decide they've actually got something to live for and set out to a) stop this masked killer from exterminating them; b) find out who it is; and, most importantly, c) boost their acting careers.

One of those trying to stay alive is former Hollyoaks heartthrob Emma Rigby.

Emma Rigby Demons Never Die
"Mirror, mirror, on the wa..."
"Of course you're the fairest look at yourself for fuck's sake"

In terms of the strength of the narrative, we think it's important she survives because STONE THE CROWS WILL SHE EVER STOP GETTING MORE AND MORE PRETTY?

Cheryl-in-disguise Tulisa Contostavlos is also in it.

Tulisa Contostavlos Demons Never Die
Here she is writing a draft text message. You probably think we're stupid and that she's actually writing a letter or jotting down some thoughts on possible murder suspects

Tulisa Contostavlos Demons Never Die
Well the joke's on you. Also, cunnilingus bear is still at it

Obviously it's important that Tulisa survives, else who'll be there to put X Factor girls that get 'all up in her grill' back in their place?

"I worked my way up from Camden Town!"

"Err, yeah, well done, but what's so bad about Camden Town? It's hardly the Ogo, is it?"

Demons Never Die is in cinemas October 28