So Tulisa Contostavlos has gone and got herself a new set of tusks in preparation for the new series of X Factor where she’s gonna do Cheryl Cole’s job of being nice to everyone and giving the lego-headed egotron that is Simon Cowell what for.
We’ve really been missing Cheryl like the desert misses the rain. Especially when America was all nasty to her we wanted her to come home so we could wedge her in a friendly headlock and plant kisses on her glossy hair. How are we supposed to suffer the unbending cheesiness of the X Factor live rounds without looking into Cheryl’s dark brown doe eyes for hope?
The X Factor is one of those things no one is actually particularly interested in anyway. It’s a bit of an unpleasant British tradition like country walks and bad picnic food, but Cheryl was a sexy British bastion of hope on an otherwise slightly depressing Saturday night while you and your girlfriend would stare at her in equal awe and eat outrageous amounts of MSG.
When the Internet turned around and told us it was going to be this chick from N-Dubz we weren’t so sure because N-Dubz were just a bit too, well, much like N-Dubz. Tulisa was obviously always hot stuff, but since her bandmates brought the lols our eyes looked past sexpot Tulisa in hot shiny and tight urban wear and were drawn to the staggering and sometimes heartbreaking genius of Dappy. How foolish we were.
Won’t you look at her now? She’s been through some kind of Hollywood drive through car wash and come out with pegs all bright and shiny and new and hair all bouncy and nice. Cheryl shaped void now filled. Order is restored.