Words: Matt Hambly
You met Charlotte, 23, at a party after being introduced by a mutual friend. You ignored her at first, which got her attention, and then realised the error of your ways…
Where did we meet?
It was at a party. Someone introduced me to you but you seemed like you couldn't care less and then went and spoke to someone else.
So what changed?
You came back and spoke to me so i guessed you were interested.
We left the party early.
No, not like that. We went to another party with my friends and carried on getting drunk.
So what happened next?
I sent you a text the next morning and we arranged to meet up. I came and met you after a night out and we ended up spending the weekend together.
Things moved pretty fast then?
Mmm, yes. A bit. That doesn't usually happen but you made me laugh and seemed sweet. I made you wait too so i knew you weren't just after sex.
What do we argue about?
Sometimes you don't look very interested, and you never want to stay up drinking after we get home.
And what do we do to make up?
Err... that's private!
How long until i met your family?
My brother and his girlfriend came down after two weeks and we went for a night out with them but it was a few months before you met my parents.
Did i make a good impression?
Yes, you did. You took the mic out of yourself before my brother or my dad had a chance to. They like winding my boyfriends up.
What are Sundays like at our house?
We stay in bed all morning watching telly, then i'll get up and make you breakfast. If we can be bothered we'll go into town but mostly it's just The Gilbert Show and My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding.
Do we go out together?
I'm at uni so i'm always going out. We go out together when we can but I don't think you like me when i'm drunk.
I talk too much.
Do your friends like me?
Yeah, I think so. On our second date we went out with all of them at once and you held your own. I was impressed.
List your skills as a girlfriend:
I'm an excellent cook, I look hot in my underwear, i'll drink you under the table and i'll bring you fast food whenever you want.
Iimpressive credentials. What do i do that annoys you?
You never text me back. I don't like that very much. But you are very calm, which is good because i'm a complete loon sometimes.
Noted. Would you care for me if i was ill?
What, like terminally?
Oh ok, well when you were ill last month i went to Nando's and brought a takeaway to your house. That was pretty nice of me right?
Indeed. Do you want to get married?
Ha, no way, i'm a bit young and i want to go travelling first.
And finally, what's our sex life like?
It's good, otherwise i wouldn't be with you. Or i'd tell you how to do it better.
Do we do anything, er, out of the ordinary?
Well my friends are on about going to Torture Garden next month. I'm going to dress up in a tiny outfit. You can come but you'll have to dress up too.
*FHM calls home to ask mum if she's still got the Bananaman outfit we got on our sixth birthday*
CHARLOTTE'S TIPS FOR A WEEKEND GETAWAY
I love a weekend away but you need to do it properly.
If you can keep it a surprise and book the time off work for me without me knowing, i'd be really impressed. But that's pretty tough so just don't tell me where we're going.
You need to get us there. I don't want to drive to my own weekend away. Get us a train, a taxi or borrow a car. Better still, put us on a plane.
Let's make it a long weekend. One night is great but two is better, right? Plus, we'll have more time to do stuff...
This is the perfect time to try new things in bed. I'm not making any promises but maybe I'll treat you. But i want somewhere nice to sleep - a tent in a muddy field is not ideal.
Sunburn isn't a good look so try and put cream on in the first place. I don't want to be sat with a lobster.
You don't have to spend a lot, just as long as you've put thought into it. Even the most expensive hotel can be a bit soulless. Don't try too hard, just think about what I'd like.
Drink: "Anything, especially white wine. And vodka. Oh, and Jack Daniels, too."
Job: Fashion student and works part time in a famous department store.
Favourite holiday destination: Dubai