Katy Perry, what have you done? By appearing on Sesame Street, you’ve ripped a massive hole in what used to be a perfect and impermeable list, FHM.com’s ‘Twelve Golden TV Sex Moments’. We spent seven hours deliberating that one. Seven. Hours. That’s ages. And then we had to write the fucker. What a day. We worked straight through three normally clockwork fag breaks and nearly missed 5-a-side. So thank you, Katy Perry, and your patty-cake playmate Elmo, for what you have done.

But what has she done? Not much, if we’re honest. She’s dressed up in a reasonably conservative green princess dress and sung a reworked version of her single Hot ‘N’ Cold. Katy asks Elmo if he fancies playing ‘dress up’ with her, then Elmo looks a bit confused and panicky and legs it. Katy then has to chase him through some cartoon streets. When she catches up with him, she says, “But Elmo, don’t you want to play?” Then comes the punchline: “But Elmo IS playing Miss Katy, Immaplaying tag! Tag! You’re it! Ahahahahahaha!”

Elmo’s a sneaky little furball. He knows full well how strenuous it is to run around in a green princess dress. He just wants to watch see her breathing heavily and looking flustered, like Katy Perry’s his concubine or something. When Russell Brand finds out about this, Elmo is in for one hell of a ruck. Two furballs going at it over a woman in a green princess dress, and whoever’s got the most hair left after five minutes of non-stop-rage, wins. That’s a pay-per-view Fight Night right there.

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