As you’ll no doubt have heard because it’s plastered all across the BBC at the moment like, well, like plaster, The Apprentice is back on. Hip hip bloody hooray. We can all look forward to another three arduous months of clearly backward people dressed in suits waddling around and talking into phones without putting them next to their ears.
But it’s not all doom and gloom; there’s always one candidate who gets your special attention. You know which one we mean – every series, there’s one that gets your attention above all the others. There's always one "fit one off The Apprentice."
To "celebrate" the launch of the new series, we’re having a look over our favourite (read: best-looking) candidates from the last seven series. If you think differently, feel free to disagree with us in the comments, or on our Facebook page. We’re into all that vigorous debate malarkey.
Okay, maybe we were just looking back on the whole thing with rose-tinted glasses. Arduous searching of the season one candidates shows that not one of them was worth approaching in a pub, although they did all seem to focus primarily on business. Which we guess is sort of the point, but still.
It’s a complete wash-out. The best we can manage is bilingual shark-diver Miriam Stanley, who sort of looks like Sarah Silverman if you squint. And that’s still not much of a recommendation. Moving on!
Michelle Dewberry easily takes the lead for Series 2, and she won, which is great too. Plus she looks like that cougarish one out of CSI. Having a fantastic career can be a turn-on for some blokes (can it? It must be someone’s fetish, let’s go with it) but wooing Michelle brings the unfortunate possibility of actually meeting Alan Sugar.
We don’t think Sir Alan would like us. We don’t wear suits and the closest thing we get to business savvy is buying two packets of donuts for a quid at Tescos and then fruitlessly handing them around the office. Then taking them home and eating them for tea and feeling fat.
Series 3 marks the first point where there was more than one contender for the title of “that fit one off the apprentice.” Not very serious contenders, mind. At this point the show was still mainly about business acumen rather than a prospect of a media career.
Naomi Lay scrubbed up nicely and Natalie Wood was kind of foxy in a “your mate’s mum” sort of way, but first prize goes to Gazal Asif, who’s gone on to launch her own clothing label Gazals Couture after being fired in week 8. We appreciate her mix of Eastern promise and glass-you-if-you-so-much-as-look-at-her Glaswegian upbringing.
Honourable mention to for series 4 goes to Claire Young, who slimmed down and actually looks pretty good now. But the winner obviously has to be the sexy Jennifer Maguire, who is apparently a presenter for the Republic of Telly, Ireland’s answer to TV Burp and home of horse-owning superstars The Rubberbandits.
We all already know who’s taking the place for series 5 – the beautiful Kate Walsh, who has more teeth than four sharks put together. She literally has all the teeth. If you ever lose a tooth, it’s because Kate has walked nearby and absorbed it into her mouth.
Dental issues aside, we really fancy All-Saints lookalike Kate, and she’s on telly every weeknight with that OK! TV dross Channel 5 is peddling after Live From Studio 5 somehow managed to utterly tank. We watch it with the sound off. It still beats Hollyoaks.
Stella provided stern competition in series 6, mainly just because she was so organised about everything. We’d trust her to organise a party, definitely. She wouldn’t forget the twiglets or accidentally buy alcohol-free beer. Although she works for Sir Alan, now, so she’s probably above organising parties.
The winner, though, has to go to 22-year-old Laura Moore (above), who in addition to being all good-looking had utterly piercing eyes. Like bolts of terrifying ice, but lovely. She didn’t really seem very capable in the tasks, but we’ll forgive her for that.
“Don’t tell me the sky’s the limit when there’s footprints on the moon.” Wise words, there, from Melody Hossaini who’s currently the best-looking candidate on offer as we move into the current series. Although she has a voice so strident and irritating she almost lost out on our favourite slot. In fact, everything about her is very intense, as though someone’s turned the contrast all the way up.
She’s got some light competition from Felicity Jackson (who seems to have some trouble working out what “percent” means in this video) and Susan Ma, but really, it’s a bit of a poor show this year. Plus the entire series is really just an extended edition of Dragon’s Den. Humph. Rubbish.