Candice Swanepoel is literally never not in a bikini. Apart from when she’s taking one bikini off to put another one on. Then she’s momentarily naked. But no one’s interested in that, are they? Unless perhaps she puts the new bikini on over the old one and then slips the old one off from underneath, like fat kids getting changed for swimming. We doubt she does that. She doesn’t need to do that - she doesn’t have an overwhelming sense of self-consciousness generated by a blubbery expanse of midriff obesity.


We always thought being a Victoria's Secret model was a pretty sweet gig. “Tough day at work today. I had to be in by midday. They spent two hours rubbing oil all over my lovely body and then I had to put on three different bikinis and pose for some ridiculously hot photos that will make everyone that sees them fall instantly and irreversibly in love with me. Sometimes wish I’d got that forklift truck drivers certificate.”

But maybe it really is a drag. We mean, imagine people only wanting to see you in bikinis.

"Look, I'm wearing this really lovely new jumper today. It's all chunky and woolen and amazing. And it's got a wolf's face on it. Neat, hey?"

"Yeah, yeah, great good whatever. Get it off and get this two-piece swimsuit on already."

Candice has been modelling since she was 15. At that age she was already earning €5,000 a week. That all sounds great, but that means she's never truly been able to relax and let herself go since then.

Think of all the McDonald's birthday parties she's missed. The all-night movie and snacks sleepovers. The getting a selection pack for Christmas and eating it all before midday. The... oh who are we trying to kid? She's had it pretty blooming sweet.

Stop bloody whining, Candice Swanepoel. Oh, you weren't? You were just happily posing in sexy bikinis like every other day for our delectation. Sorry we snapped. You carry on. 

Good girl.