It only took thirty seconds and one snake for Salma Hayek to ruin her image as the kind of brilliant Hispanic lady that eats fire for breakfast and refuses to have sex with you unless you can guarantee you’ll introduce her to three new positions each time. Also, she once said: "I keep waiting to meet a man who has more balls than I do", to which the world will be doing a collective "pfffffffffff". Now she’s just like a lame mum who loses her shit every time she sees a wild animal. Like Carmella Soprano with the bear in the yard in The Sopranos. Or Bam Margera’s mum with the crocodile in Jackass. Having said that, we’ve never actually come face to face with a snake in the wild, and seeing as we’re terrified by the idea of going to the bank and trying to pay in a cheque, it would be safe to assume we would soil ourselves instantaneously and then have a massive heart attack. Do snakes still eat you if you’ve just had a heart attack? Or is it a very brilliant survival technique? Hold on, we’ll call up Bear Grylls on his mobile telephone.

“Hello?”

“Hi Bear, it’s FHM.”

“Hi FHM.”

“Hi Bear.”

“How are you?”

“Sorry Bear, no time to chat. Shit to do. Quick question: if we saw a snake, got scared and had a heart attack in front of it, would it still eat us?”

“Er, dunno.”

“Okay. Cool. Bye.”*

Bear didn’t know. Sorry.

*This conversation did not happen.

PS: Here's Salma Hayek enjoying the company of a snake in the film From Dusk Till Dawn. She's clearly had a change of heart.

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