Plum, smug, annoyingly arousing Sienna Miller has split with Welsh actor Rhys Ifans. Why? Because he was too jealous of the 26-year-old actress spending time with her former lover - and Ifans' Welsh namesake - Mathew Rhys. And because he had hair issues. And a face like an apricot.

So form a queue, gentlemen. And sod 'orderly'. Sienna Miller is the quintessential 'hottest girl in your year'. The one who pointed at your cock and laughed when Andrew Slade pulled down your pants in PE. Not that we're suggesting that you, now fully grown, would like to harm her in any way. No, you simply want to acquiesce to all her lofty demands with puppy-like willingness.