Here’s a confession: for the last few weeks, we’ve been watching ITV2’s Secret Diary of a Call Girl. That’s the programme in which Billie Piper plays a prostitute called Belle De Jour. You’re probably wondering what on earth that’s got to do with Crissy Ronaldo’s lovely lady Irina Shayk; well at least we hope you are because we’re about to tell you.

Each time we watch Secret Diary of a Call Girl, we fall a little bit more in love with Billie Piper. Well, we fall in love with her character in the show – we’re happy to pass on all that “Because we want to” and “Honey to the B” bollocks.

"Ooh, 10p!"

This infatuation grew so strong that we started to really evaluate the pros and cons of this imaginary liaison. You know, as if Billie Piper was about to leave her husband and son for us, so we’d better decide whether we’re really serious about the whole thing. We figured we were pretty much up for it, but then had second thoughts when we imagined what it would actually be like to date someone whose job is to go and have sex with random strangers. We’re still in the evaluation phase – it doesn’t pay to rush these things – so we’ll let you know whether we do end up making a fantasy life with imaginary Billie Piper/Belle De Jour or not.

Don't look so bloody unhappy about it, your trousers will turn up somewhere

Anyway, the relevance of this to Irina Shayk, is this latest set of snazzling (not a word but should be) snaps she’s appeared in. She’s frolicking around with some handsome chap that’s not Cristiano Ronaldo to promote some Xti footwear. If you recognise the brand Xti it's probably because we brought you a story about how outrageously outrageous Irina Shayk's legs looked while launching a campaign for them just the other day.  

Don't they know snoods are banned?

Would you be happy for the lady in your life to be a fictitious prostitute? Or a porn star? Or a model that poses with handsome men? Or a stripper? Or a girl with a great body but a bear’s head? (We saw that once - the fusion of lust and fear was so great we had to have a little lie down.)