17/ Pat a dog tied up outside a newsagent
Who knew Cerberus, the hound of Hades, was actually a portly Labrador called Gladstone? Who’s now treating your finger like a chew toy, while his owner jovially assures you he’s “just playing wiv ya”.
16/ Climb a bus shelter to impress a girl
And then rue your choice as you look down at your brain-dead, comatose body while your weeping mum pulls the plug.
15/ Speak to Jehovah’s Witnesses, for a laugh
“So, this everlasting life you speak of, would I have to spend it talking to you?”
14/ Remove a wart yourself
Turns out holding a Swiss Army Knife over a gas hob for ten minutes and laying the business section of the paper on the kitchen table doesn’t amount to a ‘sterile environment’.
13/ Go to the London Transport Museum
All 375,000 exhibits of the most comprehensive history of a city’s transport system ever. (For the record, it’s around the 1:8 scale model of John Chapman’s ‘Hansom cab’ of 1836, that the depression sets in.)
12/ Drink any local brew in Cambodia
Before waking up 16 hours later in a submerged bamboo cage, with a toothless man standing on top chanting, “It rubs the lotion on its skin,” in broken English.
11/ Intervene in a drunk couple’s quarrell
Because no matter how conciliatory you are, it sounds like: “Forget about him, shag me.” Which is why you’re being pursued across wasteground by Salford’s own Bonnie & Clyde. Next time, do the really gentlemanly thing: stare at the floor, rip up a beer mat and pretend you didn’t see that woman getting a backhander.
10/ Order a vodka martini
The suave, sophisticated 007 fantasy. Marred only by the fact it tastes like George Best’s final catheter. Blackcurrant cordial, anyone?
9/ Start reading a James Joyce book
The Irish novelist once said, “A man’s errors are his portals of discovery.” One such error might be starting his 250,000 word monster Ulysses, before discovering it’s really boring and doesn’t have any wizards in it.
8/ Put your card behind the bar
Like the youngest Lehman brother.
7/ Shoot at animals with an air rifle
Until, one dead cat later, you slip into a deep depression, haunted by nightmares and guilt. And maybe quit your job, to work for free at the Cats Protection League. While secretly building a memorial to the ex-moggy out of sticks and your own body hair in your shed. Look, we’re so sorry.
6/ Put your hand down the pocket of a pool table
“The fire brigade can’t make it for two hours. If it hits his wrist it counts as potted.”
5/ Offer to set up your dad’s computer
He’s old, man – don’t let the last thing you say to him be about wireless connections.
4/ Click wildly on free pornography pages
Until your screen’s filled with most garish, inhuman, depraved triptych of sexual imagery since Caravaggio. Wonder if he forgot to delete his history afterwards, too?
3/ Get your mates to bury you in sand
Up to your neck? How funny! Until they wander off to buy a disposable camera, leaving you to fend off rabid dogs and the incoming tide. Maybe you can build a levee with your ear?
2/ Snort wasabi
Duuude! You’re just like those free spirited nihilists from Jackass! It’s so funny! Although, true, you’ll never again know the scent of woman – or anything else.
1/ Make a joke to airport security
“So when asked if you had anything to declare, you thought it would funny to say, ‘I’ve got a bomb’?” “Yes, your honour.” “It’s noticeable that nobody in court is laughing.” “That’s because you’re telling it without the wired-up Play-Doh in your hands.”