Chocolate… good. Models… good. Chocolate covered models… bloody marvellous.

Willy Wonka’s talking our language

Watching Britain’s Next Top Model ('BNTM') is a bit like having sex with the most beautiful woman in the world while knowing she’s got AIDS. The bad kind. You know you shouldn’t be doing it. But you can’t say no. So you put a brave face on it and wade in, like an intrepid plumber called out to investigate a blockage in Johnny Vegas’ toilet after Thursday night ‘Curry Night’.

In BNTM, the most beautiful woman in the world is a conniving bunch of quasi-skeletal wannabes who’d sell their own grandmother if Elle MacPherson told them it’d increase their chance of ‘making it’. The AIDS is every word spoken during the show’s duration.

How can you sit there and listen to lines like: “O.M.G. You’re looking so ‘fierce’, right now. You could seduce a ferocious tiger with that pose. In fact… can we get a live tiger for next week’s challenge?” and “Try to look a bit more ‘smack-ravaged’. Woah, not that ‘smack-ravaged’, Cobain.”* without wanting to take your own life?

* Some quotes created for dramatic effect.

When those lines are delivered by attractive young (but legal, definitely legal, your honour) girls you can. In fact, if every Samaritan looked like this, suicide would be a thing of the past. Maybe.

Anyway… we’re pleased to announce that the remaining contestants are being stripped down to teeny tiny thongs and slathered in chocolate for tonight’s show (Living, 9pm). We’re not sure what kind of chocolate; our generous offer to aid in the clean-up operation went rudely unanswered. It looks like fairly standard milk chocolate. Whoever insisted on steering clear of Fruit ‘n’ Nut has probably been promoted by now.

Some fat women say chocolate is better than sex. We say: have both.