18> Wearing new clothes to the office
Weird: your colleagues never noticed Susan was pregnant. Or that Steve from Accounts died last autumn. Or, for about an hour, that photocopier fire. But when you nonchalantly saunter in on Pay Day Friday, wearing a risky new pair of canvas deck shoes? They're the fashion Stasi. Although the yellow fedora was, in hindsight, a step too far.

17> Sniffer dogs
Christ you think - what did I pack? Is that teenth still in my jeans' mini pocket? Shit: he's sniffing around my rucksack – has Dave slipped in four wraps of blow "for a laugh"? And didn't someone get jailed in Dubai for eating a poppy seed bun? And...hang on. It's a guide dog. Phew! Wow - this crack really makes you paranoid, eh?

16> Ordering wine

The trick: adopting a studied, knowledgeable expression as you swish wine around your mouth, to conceal the yawning blankness of your mind. Tip: "oaky" is also a good word to say.

15> Standing in just your socks
Man at his most vulnerable. You can be ripped as Ronaldo or as fat as...other Ronaldo – but nothing says 'pathetic' like standing there in two of M&S's finest black cotton mix. (NB: Wearing a cowboy hat cancels this out.)

14> Going to gigs solo

A fan since the band's first EP? Matters not: watch every girl who spots you hold her drink a little closer, then edge towards the nearest exit. And who has ever, in the whole of history, gone crowd-surfing with no mates to see you get your head kicked in?

13> Animals, staring at you

Cats are weird. They can see stuff, you know. Other-worldly stuff. Brrrr. So that's it. That is possibly the only explanation for Mr Whiskers blinking at you for the past 20-odd minutes: you're possessed. And your blackened aura shrouds you, like an evil duvet. Either that or he saw you flicking through a copy of . Or he's not had his evening bowl of Go-Kat. But most likely? Yep: the spectral stain of Beelzebub. Just great.

12> Waving at someone

Yes? Yes? You mean me? Yes? No? And...no. She's not waving at me. How humiliating. Drown, then. See if I care.

11> Public affection
Nothing like a lovely kiss, true. But does it really need to be done at the train station when you're going away for one night? And at that exact point a 40-strong group of Chelsea Headhunters burst out of the station and start bellowing Maneater by Hall & Oates? Really? Oh.

10> Seeing a policeman
Is there such a thing as a guilty walk? Because, by god, you're doing it right now. The uneasy stride, not knowing what to do with your hands...yep: he knows it. He just knows you stole a Mars bar in 1993.

9> ...Or overtaking a police car

Still: nothing like the sweat-beading thrill of nudging 71mph. Eat dust, pig!

8> Really clever people
Oh, thanks for correcting my pronunciation there. Really pleased you just undermined me in front of everyone. Look, if you keep being well informed, witty or opinionated, then I'm going to have to bring out the big guns to reclaim some ground. Two words my friend..."belch" and "National Anthem".

7> Any physical contact with another man
Bad: having a man squeeze past, groin-to-groin in a crowded bar. Far worse: the devastating bare-bum-to-bare-bum-bump. Rarer than a hairy eclipse, true - but when two men in a changing room bend at the wrong time, worlds really do collide. Spotty, clammy worlds...

6> Listening to crap music

The dull thump-tsss-thump-tsss of drum 'n' bass? Perfectly acceptable. But your iPod is a cruel and fickle mistress – and when the bus/train/tube comes to a quiet stop, you know what treble-heavy tune will leak from your porous headphones. Yes: that orchestral Michael Buble ballad that's "somehow" appeared on your Commute-Me-Happy playlist.

5> Airport X-Ray machines
Because it would really ruin your holiday if now was the moment that you found out you were, in fact, a Replicant.

4> Going swimming on your own

Suddenly, your shorts have never felt so clingy; your gut never more 'overhangy'. Or worse: does everyone see you as Paedo-Shark, patrolling the shallow end for fresh water-winged prey? Hmm. Time to ditch the comedy periscope, perhaps.

3> Someone saying you look "well", or "healthy"

...Or just plain old "fat". Because that's what you mean, yes? You, with your judging eyes. Well I for am not going to stand for it. Just give me my prescription, and I'll be on my way thank you very much.

2> A spot on the end of your nose
Not helped by you spending the day going cross-eyed trying to look at it, which in turn makes you look like a cat trying to peer in to a bowl of pasta that's out of reach.

1> Buying toilet roll and nothing else

And putting it on the counter, paying quickly, and leaving. Or in other words: "That's right. I'm going home now, whereupon faecal matter will emerge from my anus. And believe me - it is going to be messy."