15/ Learn to play an instrument
Your local answer to Jamie Afro off X Factor hoovers up the fanny when he gets his guitar out at parties. That time you spent all afternoon trying to make an instant dance classic and couldn’t get past the first bit of the on-screen tutorial? Not so surefire.
14/ Complain in a restaurant
The road to hell is indeed paved with good intentions, and all you wanted to do was politely point out that your £25 steak is far from rare. Unfortunately, all waiting staff are unhappy flounces, and all women will use the lackey’s indifference against you at some stage. That complaining works in America is one of those occasions you suspect that it might actually be the greatest country in the world after all.
13/ Start a pension
Retirement: life’s last hurrah spent slipping £50 notes into grandchildren’s birthday cards, cruising around the Med and possibly sitting in an orthopaedic chair sucking Murray Mints reading the Daily Mail. Unless you forgot your pension. In which case you’ll be in a piss-stained bedsit burning family photos just to keep warm.
12/ Read War And Peace
If you really want to wade through 900 pages of Russian literature Crime And Punishment is better. Even though the plot is just basically: bloke kills old bird with a hammer.
11/ Take that bag of clothes to Oxfam
Because fashion, like nature, is cyclical. And, just like those really ill-fitting stone-wash jeans you wear for painting, the Universal Studios Orlando bomber jacket you’ve got stashed under the bed will be bang on trend come autumn/winter 2011.
10/ Travel the world
You didn’t go after school which means you’ve missed all the student deals, and you’re also too old to go anywhere near the Far East without looking like a sex tourist. There’s also only eight months left to pay on the TV, and the cat would almost definitely die without its cuddles. Definitely.
09/ Match your socks
And why should you? If you bow to the sock nazis now, before you know it you’ll be French, or something. And who’s not been to a job interview wearing one football sock and one fishnet stocking, right comrade?
08/ Work out your family tree
“So, let me get this straight… my great-granddad was a Polish convict who escaped from Auschwitz, but then spent the rest of his life hiding in a barn after putting an axe through another man’s head… nice family I’ve got…”
07/ Back up your hard drive
Why would you want to back-up? There’s only a self-penned novel soon to be hailed as the saviour of British literature, a home-made movie of that Swedish gymnast you used to date and enough films, music and porn to open a shop on there. It’s raining and Hollyoaks is on.
Go to PC World tomorrow.
06/ Write thank you letters
It’s six weeks since you received that book on films of the ’70s from your great aunt. You should have thanked her straight away but now it’ll just look rude. Best leave it and hope she forgets. It’s not like it’s the only letter she’ll get this year and besides, given current life expectancies you’ve got at least another year to make it up to her.
05/ Take your jar of pennies to the bank
The fact it’s full of no-longer-in-circulation foreign currency is irrelevant. Even if you could lift
the thing, are you really going to wait in line at NatWest on a busy lunchtime to be told the bottle of Bell’s that’s sat on top of your telly since 1995 is only worth £2.47? Hell no.
04/ Banish that twat who really annoys you with his constant shitty updates on Facebook
Dec 1. Ali is driving his car.
Dec 2: Ali wants a new car.
Dec 3: Ali is testing a new car.
Dec 4: Ali is unsure of the new car he tested.
Dec 5: Ali is seeking other car suggestions.
Dec 6: Ali did not know ‘shoveyour keyboardupyourarseyouinaneprick’ was a make of car.
03/ Buy new boxers
The pristine white is now a murky grey, what’s left of the elastic started to give four years ago and the skidded crotch is so threadbare it resembles a torn spider’s web. But, you know, you’ve done well in those. These are your pulling pants, okay?
02/ Change gas/electric/phone suppliers
“Hello, yes, I seem to have been charged £1.75 to sneeze on my bill this month… Really? In that case I’d like to close my account… Thank you… Hello, yes, I’d like to close my account… Three forms of ID…? And a letter from my GP…? And my first born…? Oh forgeddaboudit.”
01/ Go for an STD test
Because it’s obviously AIDS.
Now here's 15 things no man wants to hear...