1 \ Law man What do you call a judge with no fingers?
2 \ My kids want a dog but I’ve refused to get them a Labrador. I mean, it’s frightening how many Labrador owners you see that have gone blind.
3 \ While riding one day, a cowboy meets an Indian riding along with a dog and a sheep and begins a conversation.
“Hey, nice dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?” “Dog no talk,” replies the Indian. Unperturbed, the cowboy continues.
“Hey dog, how’s it going?” he queries. “Doin’ alright,” shrugs the dog, looking up. The Indian looks shocked.
“How does your owner treat you?” he continues. “Real good,” replies the pooch. “He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play.”
The Indian’s jaw drops in disbelief. “Mind if I talk to your horse?” continues the cowboy. “Horse no talk,” states the Native American.
“We’ll see,” says the cowboy. “Hey horse, how’s it going?” “Good,” smiles the nag. “And how does your owner treat you?” “Pretty good,” says the horse. “He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in a shed to protect me.”
“Good, mind if I talk to your sheep?” asks the cowboy. “Sheep liar,” snaps the Indian.
4 \ What goes moof?
A cow with buck teeth.
5 \ “Whenever I harvest our cornfields I get a really bad headache,” I explained to my Italian doctor. “It’sa migraine,” he replied. “No it’s not, it’s mine.”
6 \ My holiday luggage got lost at the airport yesterday. Luckily the sniffer dog found it.
7 \ A priest in a gorilla suit christened me. It was a blessing in disguise!
8 \ What do you call a proton with big hair? A ’froton.
9 \ Bill Gates is hanging out with the chairman of General Motors. “If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades you’d now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8,” boasts Gates.
“And that’s not all. It’d reach 10,000mph, weigh just over 10kg, do 1,000 miles to the gallon and cost less than $50.”
“Sure, Bill,” shrugs the GM chairman. “But it would also crash four times a day.”
10 \ I think my wife is selling drugs! Yesterday I was running late for work and the phone rang. I answered it and before I could say anything a male voice on the line said, “Hey honey, is that dope gone yet?”
11 \ My wife threatened to leave me today because apparently I’m a smart arse. She said, “We’re at a crossroads in our relationship, one way is love and trust, the other is a divorce.’’ I said, “I think you’ll find that’s called a T-junction.’’
12 \ Eddie arrives at work on Monday morning and his co-worker asks him how his weekend was. “Not great,” he replies. “How come?” says the workmate.
“Well, I played really great golf, but I lost my two best balls,” he explains. “How come?” says the colleague. “I stepped on a rake.”
13 \ Yo’ Mama is so fat every time she turns around it’s her birthday.