Here's a bunch of jokes from September sent in to FHM by all you lovely readers:
1/ I tried breaking into a footballer’s house, but his children saw me and called the police.
I probably would have gotten away with it if it wasn’t for those Heskey kids.
2/ My mate said I was too tight to get a pint in.
Six hours of surgery and 36 stitches later, I admitted he was right.
3/ The pipes in our house have always been terrible, and over the past few months sediment has been building up in them. This morning, upon entering the airing cupboard, I was surprised to see a long green plant of the onion family growing out of the side of them.
The pipes had sprung a leek.
4/ I was gonna send a joke about acronyms, but TBH CBA OJ LOL.
5/ As I was leaving the house for a big job interview, my wife said, “Remember, first impressions are very important.”
So first I gave them a bit of Stallone and then to finish I did Del Boy. Still haven’t heard back from them yet.
6/ If a fire station can go up in flames, and a plumbing company can go down the drain, can a prostitute get layed off?
7/ A man walks into his doctor’s office and whines, “Doc, you’ve got to help me; I’ve got a strawberry stuck up my ass.”
The doctor pulls out his prescription pad and says, “I’ve got cream for that!”
8/ What soup weighs 2,000 lbs?
Won ton soup.
9/ A frustrated wife got some Viagra for her husband. Her doctor told her to give him one pill a night, and that he would call to check in with her after a week. That night, the wife popped one pill in her husband’s food and got a good rogering. The next night she gave him two pills. The sex was even greater than the night before. The following night she decided to give him the whole bottle. The sex was unimaginable. A week later, the doctor called to check on the patient. The couple’s son answered the phone and sounded shaky. The doctor asked to speak to his mum. The son replied that his mum was in the hospital, the maid was pregnant, his butt was hurting and his dad was standing naked in the front garden, yelling, “Here kitty, kitty!”
10/ A cowboy rides into town on Friday, and three days later, he leaves on Friday. How?
The horse’s name is Friday.
11/ If my dog’s face looked like your face, I’d shave his arse and make him walk backwards.
12/ A rich lady gives her butler the night off because she is going out on a date. When she arrives back home from the date she sees the butler’s still home and sitting in the front room.
The rich lady approaches the butler and requests that he remove her dress, so the butler removes her dress. She then asks the butler to remove her bra. She then asks him to remove her panties, which he does.
The lady then tells the butler never to dress in her clothes again.
13/ I can’t stand those interfering people who bang on your door and tell you how you need to be “saved” or you’ll “burn”.
14/ Breaking news: Man lucky to be alive after being hit by train.
I think I’m luckier, I’ve never been hit by a train.
The Big Joke/ On Monday morning, teacher walked to the blackboard and noticed someone had written the word “penis” in tiny letters. She turned around, but couldn’t find the guilty face. She quickly erased it and began her class.
Tuesday, she was again greeted with “penis” on the blackboard, written in larger letters. She looked in vain for the culprit, and then proceeded with the day’s lesson.
Every morning for the rest of the week, “penis” was written on the board in larger and larger letters, and each time, the teacher furiously erased it. By Friday, she’d had enough.
“That’s enough,” she sputtered. “I can’t believe this! Monday morning, I expect an explanation for this behaviour!”
The next Monday morning, the teacher confidently entered the classroom and found on the board: “Don’t you know – the more you rub it, the bigger it gets?"
More funny stuff on FHM.com:
1/ FHM's Stand-Up Hero - TV dates
2/ The Pope! The Pope! The Pope!
3/ The Final Countdown: Things you always forget