When help finally arrived, it came in an unlikely form. Mumbling, bumbling, crowned in thinning peroxide blonde hair - it came with a dressing gown, a fishing rod and a pocket full of chicken. It came off its head.
Last week, Paul 'Gazza' Gascogine's skills in negotiation and diplomacy could do nothing to save Raoul Moat, the steroid-pumped former bouncer who killed and then went on the run in rural Northumberland.
But where else could the legendary ex-footballer and man-aboot-toon's skills be used to make the world a safer place?
How would Gazza solve some of most urgent problems facing the world - if only we'd let him? We find out...*
BP Oil Spill
'Here man - listen, we've all gotten too loaded, gone oot and ended up taking a leak somewhere we shouldn't. Whenever it happened to me, I'd just scrub the carpet with the cat before wor Sheryl woke up. Simple. BP need to get the Harpic oot before the lad Obama gans totally raj.'
Cheryl Cole's Malaria
'She's a Geordie like me, so I've got na idea why her immune system is so shite. Wor mate Jimmy Five Bellies once held a lighter under his nose for ten seconds and still went oot on the lash afterwards so the lass has got nay excuse.'
'Them lads have been scrapping for ages - it's worse than us and the Mackems. I'd gan owa with a few cans, a bag of Greggs sausage rolls and just gan: 'howay man, stop being daft, share some pastry'. What? They don't drink or eat pork owa there?! In that case I divint kna... Send in the army?’
Goal Line Technology
'The big question from this World Cup is - was Lamp's goal owa the line against Germany? Who fuckin' knas. I thought I was watching Coontdoon. Point is, the ref should kna - and if they'd give me a job as a ball boy like I've been asking for months, I'd be able to keep an eye on things in case they miss anything. Why spend all that money on cameras when they could send Gazza?'
'This one's simple: basically, reet - it's a scam! Them scientist blokes have been telling me for years: Gazza, you can't survive drinking all the time, wearing plastic tits and driving cars into lakes - yet here I still am, so why should we worry aboot the environment? I’ve been turning my lights on and off constantly for the past twenty years and the weather in Newcastle hasn’t changed one fucking bit!’
* Of course, Paul Gascogine didn’t actually say a word of this. We just made it up. Yes, we know - we're very childish.