17/ The nuances of boiling an egg
Who knew making a comforting breakfast of dippy egg and soldiers could morph into a scene from The Hurt Locker? Is it three minutes or four minutes? How do you transfer it from the saucepan to plate? Jesus there’s a crack in the outer shell casing… Run!
16/ That guy you know
Whatshisface. The nice- but-ultimately-pointless bloke you always share five minutes of stilted conversation with on Xmas Eve, before feeding him a white whale of a lie about making arrangements for ‘a proper catch up in the New Year’ and spending the next two months ignoring his friend requests.
15/ How loud you talk when you’re wearing headphones
“YES, I’M HERE TO PICK UP MY PRESCRIPTION. THAT’S RIGHT, FOR THE PILES OINTMENT…”
14/ How long you need to stick bread in the toaster for
And not just any toaster either, your toaster – the one with the exposed wire that crackles, has survived four student houses and is basically your ‘longest relationship’. Yup, washing machines, Sky boxes, girlfriends and cities have come and gone, but still ‘old faithful’ remains. And still you can’t remember whether it works better when you ‘give it one-and-a-half-times on 2’, or ‘3/4 of a blast on 3’.
13/ How far away Cyprus is
“Five-and-a-half hours?! Without a telly in the back of the seat in front?! That’s it, this is the last time I fly Thomso… fuck me, there’s Louise Redknapp.”
12/ What you came into town for…
Mum’s birthday? Your godson’s christening? That stratospherically important thing your girlfriend’s been nagging you about all week, but knew you’d forget to get so insisted you write it on your hand and set a reminder on your phone? Nope, it’s gone. Oh well. Best just buy another Superdry checked shirt and have an ice cream.
11/ Your girlfriend's size
And looking in her wardrobe doesn’t help. 10, 12, 14 – it’s an impenetrable swathe of things she actually wears, ‘fat day’ stuff and dresses she’ll ‘slim into’. Which leaves you with the options of performing a weird mime for a menopause-ridden sales clerk or shoving a pair of Galia melons into a variety of lingerie. And you got arrested for that last year. Bugger it – she’s getting a gift voucher.
10/ That if a small child asks you ‘why’? No matter how detailed an answer you give the next word out of their mouth will always be ‘why’?
Which is why you’re now rolling around WH Smith pretending to be in a diabetic coma. I mean, honestly. If you knew it was going to be this difficult, you’d have nicked the Starmix yourself.
9/ Not to walk behind a horse
Something of a vicious circle this one, as after a hoof to the head from the local Shire horse, you’ll be such a dribbling animal-obsessed idiot, that you’ll be drawn back to offending creature like a fly to one of those blue lights. “Ooo, look at the swishy tail…” Nee, naw, nee, naw.
8/ How rubbish airports are
Ah, two weeks of bliss, starting with three hours relaxing in a suburban travel hub. But wait! This beer is £8, and at least in a normal Wetherspoon there’s more shit inside the toilet than out. And now what? You need to confiscate my really expensive shampoo because it’s “too big”? Up. Yours.
7/ Any semblance of self-control when the DJ strikes up some ’90s house music
Uh-huh, yeah. When I hold you baaaayyyyy-beeee. Feel your heartbeat close to me. Uh-huh, yeah. Wanna stay in your arms forever. Only love can set you free. Dededededede… …and, yup, that’s the hamstring gone.
6/ How you felt the last time you did sambuca shots 2AM
The early hours are here and it’s time to celebrate with a tiny tub of sticky aniseed liquor that’ll make my after hours dreams come true. Dreams like dry retching and fondling a fatty. 10AM: Is that blood? Coming out of my mouth? Again?
5/ Why you shouldn’t watch Martin Lawrence films
Best-case scenario? Will Smith or a car chase. Worst? An unconvincing elderly lady hiding her erection from the colossally stupid girl next door.
4/ How long you’ve been with your girlfriend
No it’s three years. Definitely. We met at that festival when I couldn’t get it up. Yeah it was funny. In a way. Oh wait, that was four years ago. Jesus. That’s, like, two World Cups. I should probably love you by now, shouldn’t I? But I’m kind of overweight now, so…
3/ To read the small print
Still, a lot of guys have had kids at your age. And 2,354% is a pretty standard interest rate, right?
2/ How woeful terrestrial TV actually is
Your options: people from Whitby bitching over floppy soufflé; someone who can’t get film roles anymore solving crimes in a village; or some care in the community escapees confusing having a dog and a ghetto blaster with having talent. You might as well read a bloody book.
1/ That gay people might be around when you call things gay
Not that there’s anything wrong with being gay. I like lots of gay people. Not like that. But my dad would be okay with it if you did. Not that homosexuality’s an ‘it’. Oh, come on Jim, give me a break, it’s not like I made a joke about Auschwitz. Oh… hi Seth…