16/ Asking Your Girlfriend, “What Is This Earth Thing You Call Love?”
Or even, “Why do you have water leaking from your eyes?” While robotically swivelling your arms. And then, when she finally walks out, “So this is what humans call… loneliness.”
15/ ‘The Rifleman’
The porn world’s take on doggie style – with one knee down and one foot on the floor, exposing your balls for the benefit of an imaginary cameraman. Enthusiasts may also incorporate a leering overbite. When she’s not looking, obviously.
14/ Looking Moody While Wearing A Tuxedo
And surreptitiously placing your finger in your ear, as if receiving vital radio comms from a command post. Or scratching.
13/ How To Light A Cigarette
Cup the flame and lean into it, squinting as if passing a difficult stool. Inhale deeply, your face lit in the flickering glow. Now replace the lighter in your pocket so it slightly burns your thigh and hack up a lung. Yep, just like Jimmy Cagney.
12/ Mouthing Off
“You fucking mook. You giving me backchat? I’ll tear you a new asshole.” “…Press four for recent transactions, press five to speak to customer services…”
11/ Speaking Like Don LaFontaine
Ideal for late-night booty calls – the cavernous growl of Hollywood’s most prolific trailer voice actor. Simply smoke Marlboro Reds for 20 years. And try to use the words “In an outpost… on the edge of space…”
10/ Talking Up Your Reflection Like Travis Bickle
“Hey big guy, how you doin’? I’ll tell you how you’re doin’. Good.” Great. Ask nicely, and your sister may even let you peel the My Little Pony stickers off of her full-length mirror.
9/ Drinking White Russians
This creamy beverage personifies The Dude’s laid-back, relaxed lifestyle. Crying on the bathroom floor, thinking you have internal bleeding after mixing it with red wine and vomiting, however, does not.
8/ Putting Your Feet Up On Your Desk
Forget that it’s actually quite uncomfortable. Or that, on any chair with wheels, the potential for injury and/or farce is high. Or Health & Safety preclude firing up a fat Havana stogie. No you just sit there, Gordon Gekko, and bask in the glow of another deal.
7/ Winking, Generally
We see: suave man of the world – rakish, jaunty, all F-Scott-Fitzgerald. The attractive single mother you just squinted at? Reaching for the rape alarm.
6/ Driving One-Handed
And not just the casual, US roadtrip tradition of leaning one arm on the windowsill. No, we mean the cavalier, pedestrian scattering screamathon when you place your palm flat on the horn and make a circular ‘polishing glass’ motion, in a homage to The French Connection. Or was it The World’s Most Harrowing Motorway Pile-ups? We forget.
5/ Serenading A Woman
Except she lives above an unlicensed mini-cab office, a homeless man’s appointed himself as your backing singer and it’s technically illegal for you to be this close to her flat.
4/ A Training Routine
Who needs over-priced gyms? It’s just a cold shed, a battered fertiliser bag and a cherished ’80s stereo. Oh, and a Flymo, an unwashed BBQ and those pillows that made your nose tickle.
3/ How You’d Do A Bank Robbery
“Okay guys, I know what I’m doing. We’re going to need surfboards. And president masks. And black ties and suits. Oh, and Lovejoy’s going to get bummed later. Who’s with me?”
2/ Sculpting Mashed Potato
Oooh, aren’t you all mysterious – gently forking the mash into… a sloppier pile of mash. NB: use less milk.
1/ Walking Faster And More Purposefully While Listening To Moby’s Extreme Ways.
Albeit to Tesco. For your gran. Got an ETA on those beans, Bourne?