Illustration: Rui Ricardo
14/ European television
No matter it’s the Italian version of Loose Women – the eroticism is palpable. Any minute now, someone’ll mention how warm it is, blouses will be unbuttoned, melons will get wrangled and the one who looks like Jane Moore will start spitting down Coleen Nolan’s backside. Or maybe you just watched too much European porn at an impressionable age?
13/ Boarding a long haul flight
Pack your bag: who knows what erotic adventure might await you? You’ll probably be sat next to some Dina-Lohan-style cougar who’ll touch your leg under the blanket… or… Oh God, it’s a woman with a baby. And a man with an abscess. Only nine hours to go…
12/ Photos of beaches in holiday brochures
Peer at them closely – really closely – and you can kind of make out about 300 topless women. (NB: could actually be men in swimming trunks.)
11/ Anything on poor-quality VHS
Is the picture wobbling slightly? A bit of ‘interference’? You just know that it’s going to go into some astoundingly blue home movie that was carelessly left in your possession. Or an old Ski Sunday from 1993.
10/ Hotel rooms
Now this is where the action happens. Sordid anonymous hook-ups, illicit affairs, casual bunk-ups, swinging. Oh, and where travelling scouring pad salesmen take a Whopper meal back to their room before knocking one out to a re-run of Tipping The Velvet on UK Gold.
9/ Those dimples above her arse
Like ergonomic grips designed by the Almighty himself.
8/ This, apparently:
“The kick of a shotgun as a pheasant explodes in a shower of blood 100 yards in front of you. Powerfully erotic.” (Simon Everitt, FHM Picture Editor.)
7/ Cheetara from Thundercats
Yes, it’s a 1980s animated fictional human-animal hybrid. Your point? See also Bugs Bunny’s girlfriend, Lola, in Space Jam.
6/ Being hungover
Sure, you’ve woken up alone. With a kebab box at the end of your bed. Containing your boxer shorts. So why this astonishing diamond cutter? And why won’t it go away?
5/ Top Shop changing rooms
So many young women have stripped off in that 3ft square box, peeked at their reflection and jiggled their cleavage that the whole place has a massive residual ‘sex memory’. Such is its level of oestrogen it’s a wonder you don’t grow breasts.
4/ Hotel maids
There solely to service your every whim. Done up in a pervy fetish uniform. Begging for it. Or, to put it another way: still fuming at the brown holocaust you left in the bog the day before, forced to wear a nylon, Domestos-spattered smock and sick of working 18-hour shifts for £1.20 an hour. Now, if you just let your dressing gown casually fall open, the tournament can commence…
3/ A clearing in the woods
The barely audible hum of the ring road in the distance. A sense that you shouldn’t be there. A dim memory of some witchcraft-themed softcore porn you saw aged 12. The overwhelming hope of coming across an amateur dogging community in full swing. And… oh God, you’ve trodden right in it. All in the tread of your shoes and everything. A yellow one as well.
2/ Sitting over the wheel arch of a bus
The perfect commute: having your balls gently massaged by the 143 as you lazily look down the top of the woman sitting opposite. Just don’t let your gaze drift momentarily to the aggressive group of school-girls by the door. Nothing like being chased from the bus to the cries of “Nonce!” to knock that erection on the head.
1/ Double-barrelled surnames
It’s the Lady Chatterley’s Lover effect, right? Huntington-Whiteley, Gough-Calthorpe… plummy, doughy ingénues spilling out of Mahiki clutching a bottle of Möet and their Louboutin heels. They’re just after a bit of rough with the peasantry, right? So quick: sidle over with a Gallagher-esque mosey… and, after a quick fist-based ‘conversation’ with her prop-forward brother, stumble back again.