15/ You’re not impressed by famous people
Although your legs did go a bit wobbly when Harry Enfield called you a tit outside Caffè Nero.
14/ It’s cool to go on holiday by yourself
With no friends or girlfriend. And sit in a bar. And watch the other people having a good time. Before striking up a conversation with the barman and texting all your mates back home. Ah, independence. Lonely, scared, not-sure-what-to-do-until-bedtime independence.
13/ You’re more attractive than the girls your mates set you up with
Frankly, it’s getting embarrassing. If one more girl gets so intimidated by your genius that she doesn’t return your calls, then you might have to have words with the lads about the boilers they keep recommending you to.
12/ She’ll be on the Pill
While you try and drunkenly thumb in your half-hard cock, inwardly grizzling about how ‘condoms don’t feel nice’. As opposed to ‘paying for a bastard for the next 18 years’, which feels just peachy.
11/ Your hairline’s always been that far back
You’ve just got a large forehead, that’s all. And you’ve always been up for experimenting with hairstyles. Usually those that involve increasingly drastic side partings, elaborate confections of hairspray and Grecian 2000. And you looking like a member of The Jackson 5.
10/ You don’t need to go to the doctor
If only because it’s obvious that you’re dying. What’s an hour spent flicking through old copies of You magazine before being bollocked by a bloke who looks like an off-duty rugby player going to do to change the situation?
9/ You can just be friends with her
Because that’s just what a red-blooded man does; plies all his platonic friends with booze, ‘playfully’ stares at their tits and slowly lifts up the blanket for a quick peek when they’ve drunkenly crashed out on his sofa. And in quieter moments, lay your penis across their cheek while they’re sleeping and take camera-phone pics for posterity.
8/ You can fit in with people of any social status
Apart from poor people who shop at Somerfield. Christ, they’re frightening. (NB What are they saying?)
7/ You’re comfortable around drugs
Although you do always panic about the pigs bursting in through the ceiling like that SAS siege of the Iranian embassy. And what if God really is watching? And why’s your heart beating so incredibly fast?
6/ You’re a charming drunk
Perhaps it was just your medication ‘disagreeing’ with the booze when you gave that woman a V-sign, forced a stranger to let you buy him a pint and then strangled him when the barman rang for last orders. Nurofen can do that sometimes.
5/ If you were a millionaire footballer you wouldn’t behave like the rest of them
Mind drifts into fantasies of threesomes, sports cars, little people utterly ignored in favour of elaborate parties full of models/hookers and sycophantic agents in sheepskin coats who’ll hopefully milk a few more quid out of the club on your next contract.
4/ The ’80s were brilliant
Cor, Smash robots eh?…skinheads… race riots, industrial unrest… the cold divisive politics of Thatcherism, mass unemployment, Andrew Lloyd Webber… Heysel, Hillsborough, Zeebrugge… er, fluoro socks?… Russell Grant suffocating under the weight of his own ginormous cheeks… Roland Rat?
3/ You can fix that knocking in the engine
Followed swiftly by getting on the blower to dad and asking him what he does when a spanner falls into the engine block, the radio’s jammed on ‘white noise’ and the suspension’s bouncing up and down of its own accord, like in a Dr Dre video.
2/ You’d be pretty tasty in a fight
In the sense that you’d be the first one to completely panic, get beaten fair and square and then stab the other bloke in the arse as he was walking away. Who cares if he was 12? He shouldn’t have started it.
1/ You totally understand what’s going on in the news
Who are you kidding? You can barely follow a two-part episode of The Bill these days, let alone anything where more warring factions are involved than a tennis match.