15/ Eastern Europeans’ Dress Sense
Lurid '80s sportswear plus heavy leather coats and snow-washed denim: it's like football fan, protection mobster and gang rapist rolled into one. It'd be even funnier if they weren't still bagging six-foot tall supermodels and earning more money than us.
14/ Any Musical Instrument That Doesn't Plug Into An Amp
Look: if it can't blow you backwards through the wall, like the beginning of Back To The Future, you might as well be masturbating with your feet.
13/ Religious Zealots
"They don't really mean all that stuff about infidels. I'm sure underneath all the bluster, they're a bit frothed up over nothing. Once my book comes out next week, we'll all sit down and have a good old laugh about it." (The Diaries of Salman Rushdie, p.87)
12/ Upper Class Blokes
Is it the lack of chin? Gawping, oddly-symmetrical face? Or the self-consciously floppy hair and unbuttoned pink shirt? No, wait: it'll be the impotent rage at us proles rising above our station. You know, by owning houses, not curtseying properly etc.
11/ Emergency Training Of Any Kind
In-flight safety videos? Hmm – think I'll flick pointlessly through The Business instead. Office fire drill? Perfect opportunity to check out the fanny on other floors. Goggles when paintballing? Sorry: was too busy quoting Predator in an Arnie voice. But stub our toe on the photocopier? "Hello, Claims Direct…"
10/ Arsenal's 'Hoolie Crew'
"That's it, Giles – glass him with your cafetière. Yeah! Take that, contra-supportive ruffian!"
9/ Appraisals With Your Boss
Or: Two Men Going Through The Motions. You both know it's only a contractual formality; as soon as you hear the words "personal goals", it's like that bit in The Simpsons when you hear it from a dog's point of view.
8/ The Threat Of Jail For Illegal Downloads
Cyber-crime? Oh come on. What are you going to do – e-mail me to prison?
7/ Fat Politicians
"What the honourable member fails to realise is that when faced with a reedy-voiced fat neck in a giant double-breasted suit who can't keep his hands out of the biscuit tin, the British public would sooner vote for Hitler. I mean, just look at old lardy bollocks, Madam Speaker." (For Him Magazine, Hansard, Vol 6, p.126)
6/ Any More Than Three Blades On A Razor
It's like the philosophy behind Victorian aircraft design: add another wing, and it's bound to be better. The average Joe stopped caring after two – and yet somewhere in a room in razor design HQ, there's a guy going: "Fuck it – let's push it to seven."
5/ Community Policemen
Sure, they can radio the real ones for back-up. With the dogs. And the guns. But they're all about 12. They haven't even got a proper tit helmet. And they've had what – three days' training? We've spent years training to be this much of an idiot.
4/ Washing Instructions
Square, circle-with-a-cross, triangle. Whatever.
3/ Anything Aled Jones Does Now
He could stage a comeback as an undefeated UFC champion. But no: thanks to a Faustian pact with child stardom, he'll be forever known as 'old no-bollocks who got queered up by a Snowman'.
Particularly ones saying 'Trespassers Will Be Prosecuted'. Or 'Don't Feed The Animals'. In fact, the lesson only usually hits home when drunk, in a disused building at 2am, and face to face with the grim, slavering reality of what 'Guard Dogs Patrolling The Premises' really means.
1/ The Recommended Alcohol Intake
"More than 21 units per week can cause serious health problems in later life." Christ. Thank God we have no idea what a "unit" is. Or, as it currently stands, a "week".