16/ Turn your house into a gym
Jogging up the staircase, press-ups off the window ledge, chin-ups from the door frame. Christ, it’s just like Linda Hamilton when she’s locked up in that mental home in Terminator 2. Except, of course, that Linda Hamilton didn’t break all her ribs when ‘bench-pressing the sofa’ went a bit wrong.
15/ Make ‘squealing brake’ noises driving in the car
Perhaps not so strange in itself, were it not for the accompanying Murray Walker-style commentary – who seems to sound a bit more like ‘South African David Bowie’ when he gets excited.
14/ Explore the darker depths of online pornography
Just what kind of sick bastard do they make this stuff for? Who in their right mind would get off on this filth? I mean, can squids even survive on land? Let alone… (unzip)
13/ Read OK! magazine
And find yourself thinking about how life might be easier if you were a total moron who only wanted to hang around with a woman in a matching outfit, while batting away soft-soap questions about wedding plans. Hmm. Wonder if that one with the big arms from Liberty X would like to be a bridesmaid?
12/ Try to get your cock as big as possible while still ‘flaccid’
And wish that it looked that good all the time. That feeling while you’re looking at it all puffed up and sausagey? It’s the same mixture of hope and regret that George Best’s wives felt on the odd occasions when he turned up sober, in a suit.
11/ Listen to opera music
Whilst trying to convince yourself that it’s cultured, and the kind of thing that a fiendish serial killer genius would do on his day off. And then remember that it’s just fat people shouting stage directions at each other.
10/ Slide around in your socks
Like Tom Cruise in Risky Business, yeah? And you’re cleaning that congealed egg off the kitchen lino – bonus.
9/ Watch TV with one hand down your pants
Pausing from thumbing your ‘smelly bridge’ only to delve so deep into your nostril that you resemble an outtake from Saw. Now, what to do with the debris? Eat it? Wipe it on the cat? Choices…
8/ Construct gargantuan mealtime combos
What’s so wrong about beans, a pie and a triple egg omelette – held up with ‘sausage scaffolding’ – anyway? And so what if it’s for breakfast?
7/ Abandon hygiene in all its human forms
She’s barely left for work before you’re regressing to complete savagery – waddling around in nothing but a T-shirt with a gritty determination not to brush your teeth. Before having an enormous dump with the door wide open, while finishing off a sandwich that you were halfway through when you felt the detonator go off.
6/ Make pointless playlists
At least you’ve now got all bases covered: ‘Pre Party Bangers’, ‘Girl Back To Mine’, ‘Smashing-Up-The-Flat Divorcee Megamix’ etc.
5/ Talk to tramps
As if these pavement sages were somehow going to reveal the secrets of the universe. Rather than just pull down their woolly hat, bellow half a verse of Danny Boy and then headbutt your shins.
4/ Put a glass against the wall and listen to the neighbours
Listen in on what you think is them having sex, until you realise that you’ve just spent ten minutes silently masturbating to the sound of the boiler filling up. And have formed a pressurised vacuum inside your ear.
3/ Read a newspaper with a pint
Pubs: traditionally for drinking, mocking friends, falling over and bellowing at the football like you know the players or they care what you think in some way. And yet who knew the tranquility of a warm bitter, a landlord who everyone thinks killed his wife and the crossword in a two-day-old newspaper?
2/ Do a little dance in the changing room mirror
Then remember that they have CCTV these days.
1/ Examine your balls in the mirror in the toilet on an aeroplane
Then remember that they, too, have CCTV these days.