Michael Owen’s officially looking for a new club. It says so in the 32-page glossy brochure that his management company, Wasserman, have despatched to various top-flight clubs. And what a catch he’ll be. Because here’s the thing about Michael Owen: he scores goals. He always has.

Okay, he’s lost some pace. Okay, a well-respected football writer told FHM that Alan Shearer can keep up with Owen in training. But even taking into account some horrific injuries and a deeper-lying midfield role in a truly piss-poor Newcastle side, he’s still got an average of a goal every two games. The man’s a robot. An extremely rich robot.

But surely Michael Owen should sell himself? Why won’t Fabio Capello consider him for England? Why doesn’t Sir Alex Ferguson snap him up to play alongside Wayne Rooney? Why are Hull City the only club to declare an interest? Since when was “Clean & Fresh” a valid footballing attribute? What the hell is going on? Answers on a postcard, please.



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