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Here's what's happening in kindly South Africa today:

Matchday 22

Tuesday 6 July 2010

19:30 Uruguay v Netherlands, Cape Town, ITV1

THE LOWDOWN

Lordy lordy, it's the World Cup semi finals. The time when victorious heroes stand up tall like Dizzee Rascal and march boldly towards the ultimate glory of the final. The games when losers fall to the floor like pathetic footballing children and face the humiliating indignity of taking part in the sham that is the third place play-off. The stage at which dreams are made and nightmares are... also made.... real. The moment when boys become men, men become heroes, heroes become gods, gods become squirrels, squirrels become.... IT'S THE WORLD CUP SEMI FINALS!!!

This evening Surprise Package™ Uruguay face the Netherlands, who did a real job on Brazil - winding them up to the point of red card rage and scoring a pair of deliciously European headers to knock out the favourites. History is on the side of Uruguay, who have won three of the four previous meetings between the sides. History is also on the side of Holland as Uruguay haven't won in their last 13 World Cup finals games against European opposition. Their last victory against a side from Europe was their 1970 win over the Soviet Union, which doesn't even exist as a nation anymore. What does that tell you? Lots.

On this day in 1970 Poland beat Brazil 1-0 in the third place match. No-one cared then, no-one cares now. Apart from some old Polish people, maybe. And even they're probably embarrassed to admit it.      

MATCH OF THE DAY 19:30, ITV1

URUGUAY V NETHERLANDS
Semi Final. Cape Town. Capacity: 64,100

Urugay in 10 words: Forlan hero, they've won it twice, naughty handball - very nice.
Netherlands in 10 words: Somehow here despite rarely looking anything more than efficiently decent.
What Uruguay looks like if you're a bit childish:
Brazillian Amsterdam

WORLD CUP MINISITE WITH EXCLUSIVE NEWS, STATS AND VIDEOS FROM SOUTH AFRICA

HALF TIME QUIZ

Which World Cup finalists' emblem have we subtly defaced below? The first correct answer in the comments section receives a cash prize (terms and conditions apply) [TERMS AND CONDITIONS: Cash prize value = 1p. Cost to enter = 1p. Your home is at risk if you do not continue to correctly identify bastardised national football association logos]

Mystery Badge 4


MATCH OF THE DAY 2

MISS URUGUAY vs A REALLY FIT PAIR OF CLOGS

Who's hotter? Have a think, do a series of tests, possibly powernap on it, then tell us your answer in the comments box.

Representing Uruguay:

Natalia

Fresh from the beach and some kind of floral hair accessory convention it is Natalia Oreiro.

Representing Netherlands:

Monique

Sure, Natalia may have the edge on obvious beauty, but where would our world and the Netherlands tourist industry be without the elegant clog? Make your choice carefully.

AND FINALLY

Oh Colombia, you rogues. You have made a World Cup trophy out of cocaine

Check back tomorrow for the next First 11 World Cup Bulletin!