“Back when I was 17, I turned up one minute late on my last day of work in a sportswear shop in Bluewater, the humongous Kent shopping arcade. As punishment, the manager duly ordered me to clean the staff toilets. I didn’t, but instead urinated in the electric heater within said bogs. By some miracle, it didn’t break. Ensuring those freezing cold winter nights in Chav heaven shall forever be scented with malicious piss.”