Stuart Ousey, via e-mail...

“I had dim memories of Holly. She was the mate of a mate I’d met in a Wirral nightclub, after about nine pints. When she called me two days later for a drink, I vaguely remembered she was alright, but was still wary. So I suggested meeting at a local pub – where I could park in a nearby car park, behind a wall, and get a decent view before proceeding.

Right on time, Holly arrived… to my horror, in eight-inch, cork-soled, open-toed Spice Girls shoes, paisley tights, an electric blue feather boa, a velvet micro skirt, and a pink polka-dot croptop. With her shock of orange hair, I could easily see her from 25 yards away. In fact, I suspect I could have seen her from space. I’m not proud, but that was my cue to leg it. Except, I realised, that roadworks blocked my escape route, so I’d have to drive right past the meeting point.

I pulled down the sun visor, but as I headed towards the traffic lights, she spotted me and waved. Undaunted by me totally ignoring her, she then began to run after my car. It was terrifying – like the T-1000 in Terminator 2, except more colourful. Worse, the driver in front braked sharply, and despite my car still travelling at around ten miles an hour, Holly caught up, opened the back door open and jumped onto the back seat.

Obviously I made my excuses (“Sorry, I didn’t spot you in that outfit” was my favourite), but the night just got worse. I headed for a remote pub so I wouldn’t be seen – and then discovered my old school mate was now the bar manager. Holly then spent two hours telling me about her job at KwikSave (“They won’t let me on the shop floor yet so I break up boxes in the back”), and then another half hour about a funny-coloured wheelie bin she’d seen. I decided to bail. After texting a plea to a mate, he called moments later to say that my flat was on fire. Weirdly, she never asked why I then drove her home rather than call the local fire brigade. Although, I did receive a friend request from her on Facebook a few weeks later. Her name? Holly Strange…”