It was Romeo Beckham’s 8th birthday yesterday. You might think that being the middle son of two of Britain’s biggest celebs, he'd mark the occasion with some kind of swanky black-tie affair in which even the rent-a-clown acts with a sense of conservative decorum.

But no, he had a right old tear up at Lazer Quest (or the American equivalent thereof). Maybe he is just a normal kid, after all.

Of course, being a Beckham bash, it wouldn’t have been complete without some celebrity attendees. Global supermodel Heidi Klum and soul legend Seal took their little’uns, as did pop starlet Gwen Stefani.

This isn't what Heidi Klum wore to the party; it would have been inappropriate. 

Gwen Stefani didn't wear this; twould've been inappropriate and impractical.

The most famous person at our 8th birthday party was Tommy from our class, fresh from a starring role in the Hot Wheels commercial and, according to his pushy parents, “destined for the big time”. Last we heard, he’s manning the meat counter at Morrisons.

He was a right twerp at our bash, getting all hissy when he lost at air hockey and then throwing a royal strop when McDonald’s had run out of banana milkshakes. For that reason he probably wasn’t invited to Romeo’s party. That and the fact he’s a creepy 26-year-old. Who smells of raw meat.

Unlucky, Tommy. Because of your poor behaviour 18 years ago, you missed out on a party with the hot wife of an England legend, a supermodel and a sexy pop singing woman. And a goodie bag. 

1/ Jessica Alba is working Venice too
2/ Olivia Munn on The Daily Show
3/ Kelly Osbourne does burlesque