Hi-tech heaven

“I once pulled the vice president of Sony’s daughter while watching the football in Paris. She was hot and dirty, but I never sealed the deal. Why? I’m embarrassed to say I got all giggly over the state-of-the-art Sony stuff in her flat, including a Blu-Ray player (it was a while ago, so this was like a Tardis), which I demanded to see ‘the quality of’. I woke up on the sofa three hours later, by which point dawn was breaking and she was sound asleep.”

Rich Blake, Portsmouth

Up in smoke

“When I was 16 and on a rugby tour to Amsterdam (great idea, coach!) me and the lion’s share of the pack smoked a joint that’d make Peter Tosh think twice and proceeded to vomit for the whole of our first match. We still won, the Dutch are shit at rugby.”

Hilly, via email

Having a ball

“When we were in the sixth form we went to a school’s basketball meet – in Blackpool of all places. Tournament over, we took full advantage of the town’s numerous hostelries, which ended in us trashing a hotel room. Being cheap and not wanting to pay the fine in the morning, we blamed an unpopular teammate who’d passed out the night before. Not remembering a thing, he sheepishly paid the £200 bill. We soiled the good name of basketball forever.”

Tom Davies, Bath

Sheet-shitter legs it

“Not my proudest moment this, but we were touring New Zealand, and for accommodation we had to stay with the opposition players after a game. You normally stayed with your opposite number. Well, I’d had a shocker on my debut in Auckland, and had been sent off. As punishment I had to stay with one of the opposition reserves. This guy was a total idiot, but at least he liked a drink so we went on a massive bender. It’s safe to say I don’t remember much of the night but what I do remember is waking up in a cold sweat in the morning and quickly realising that I’d shat the bed. This guy’s parents were in their late 60s, and I lay there in my single bed wondering how to handle this. ‘Do one’ was my conclusion. The bus was picking me up early so shamefully the cover went back over the bed and I skulked out.”

Ben Mount, Harrow

Something to declare

“Me and some pals splashed out on a trip to Milan to watch Inter vs Man Utd for my birthday. After arriving at the airport we were all really excited about the prospect of a quality game and some good times. Sadly my friend was about to narrowly avoid a spell in choky. The idiot had decided to bring his stash with him in his checked luggage, but lost his marbles when he saw a posse of Italian cops and sniffer dogs in the arrivals lounge. He totally freaked and left his grotty blue Reebok hold-all spinning on the conveyer. He then spent three days in the same smelly clothes as he refused to buy any new ones.”

Kevin Pepper, via email

God save the... Kaiser

“A few years ago, I went on a rugby tour of Germany with the German bank I worked for. Before leaving, I’d done a bit of research and discovered that Germany didn’t have an international rugby team. Sensing an opportunity for glory, I wrote to the International Rugby Board and asked if we could become the German international team and thus ‘get capped’. For some reason, they agreed, so we did the whole anthem thing and represented our ‘host’ country with pride. Well, ‘pride’ if you think pride consists of three of us, including me, puking during the anthem, while four more chucked their guts up on the pitch. We then got into two full-on brawls and lost 93-12. I did score our try though...”

Jim Regis, via email

Willy wounds

“While in Paris watching Les Bleus, we realised our hotel was next to an outdoor ice rink. My mate and I played a game to see who would scale the fence and ‘do a Klinsmann’ on the rink. I lost, so I nipped down and clambered over the fence. After getting up a bit of speed, I leapt onto my stomach, only for the wind to blow up my kilt, which somehow got caught on my sporran. The result? Sliding 20m along the rink on my knees and cock. It took two weeks for the wounds to heal.”

Gordo, via email