Thanks to avoiding gin and carrying an empty bottle at all times, FHM are proud to say we haven't wet ourselves in a good 18 months. But this new-found bladder-control could be severely tested if Ryanair Chief Michael O'Leary gets his way. Not content with ripping out seat pockets and charging for luggage, the multi-millionaire pixie has revealed plans to install a coin slot of the crapper door and thus make passengers "spend a pound to spend a penny". Apparently it's all in a bid to drive down fares. FHM gives it two flights before a stag do 'beats the system' by propping open the door or pissing on the floor, but in case it does 'take off' we're patenting the following 'cost-saving ideas'.

Oxygen-less cabins
Masks by every seat, 20p per breath.

The life jacket shop
£5 per journey. Pricey, but who'll be laughing when you crash...

Stewardess strippers
£10 per dance - only available in certain curtained-off rows between girls pimping duty free and scratch cards.

Landing fee
Want off? Stump up.

Ride up front
On the job flying lessons yours for just £30 a minute.

Fat fee
£1 excess charge for every stone over national average. Stop whining, it's for your own good, porky.

Anyway, enough blabbering. Here's the piss Nazi defending his idea...