You know what they say: you have to fake it to make it.
But lying is wrong and bad and awful, so you should probably keep your fakery down to a minimum. Here's a little guide to the 10 best lies that you'll probably get away with. Maybe:
We live in an age where social status is defined by how worthy of free chicken you are, so this is a perfect porkie for impressing friends and family. Of course, they don't need to know that what you're actually carrying is a 582% APR credit card with a Nando's sticker on it. Everyone’ll be far too preoccupied with chicken sweats and being your new best friends to quibble over the details. You on the other hand will be worrying about crippling repayments and impending financial ruin. But hey, free chicken! Sort of. You’re pretty much Example.
Unless you're friends with one of the six social media demigods who still use MySpace and are currently championing their Ello account, you can pretty much waffle your tits off about anything relating to the early days of social networking. Sure, it’s a far out claim but it’s also one that’s damn-near impossible to disprove.
Lying about being on telly is very easy and will win you instant kudos. The trick is not to aim too high. You played 'bandaged man in waiting room' in Casualty in 1999? Believable. Drunken punter in the Woolpack? Completely possible. A duke in the Downton Abbey Christmas special? Not so much.
Get out of work commitments, social occasions or relationships by embarking on an elaborate emigration scam involving a bogus 'bon voyage' party and numerous photoshopped Facebook snaps of you in front of world landmarks. Just make sure you get a decent fake tan before you return to real life.
Thanks to the popularity of Serial, all anecdotes must now involve intricate knowledge of crime scenes and murder. Avoid being a social pariah by fabricating an entire case, complete with your own homemade 12-part podcast.
"Yeah, 'cos I was on holiday in Japan, right, and I asked this bloke to take a picture of me, and then it started raining so I got my extendable umbrella out, and then he got all excited, right, and it turns out he was like the Japanese Alan Sugar..."
The crumpled duvet-faced cook is just the right type of famous to be believably related to very normal people. People like you, for example. People who could very easily take a screen shot from Ramsay's Hotel Hell and Instagram it with the caption, 'Cousin Gordo's getting a bit heated in the kitchen again, lol!'
The 'being in a band' nugget is one of the easiest bluffs to pull off, particularly if you give yourself a modest supporting role in a fairly low-down-the-bill outfit. Try 'I used to do hand percussion for Los Campesinos' before graduating to whoppers about being one half of Daft Punk.
Marathon running is one of the few endurance skills that no-one's ever going to ask you to prove on the spot. Avoid being rumbled by taking a blurry selfie of you wrapped in tin foil clutching an old Year 10 football medal.
Have you ever noticed how the richer people are, the more free stuff they get? It's amazing what a Porsche key ring, a few bottles of Piz Buin and a magnum of Champagne being spayed willy-nilly can do to give off the impression you've come into some money. Although we're pretty sure some actually did do this and went to prison for fraud. So, you know, be careful.