There's no milestone birthday quite like 30. It's the last one you've got before you hit middle-age, ultimately begin your mid-life crisis and then wind up happy, retired and lost somewhere in the middle of a golf course.
And like all milestone birthdays, there are usually a few key things you should do before you reach it...
Cruising through M1 roadworks at a steady 50mph for the first time after passing your test? Hell, you might as well be Vin Diesel. Alternatively, if you really want to get out of control, nick one of the vehicles at your local go-karting club and head out for a spin. There it is, you sticking it to The Man.
Join A Club
From fortnightly five-a-side to the weekly Country Club, a bit of male bonding gives your life a sense of purpose. Just don’t accidentally join any death cults—you never know what’ll happen when you get a bunch of guys around to meet up and drink. Chances are high that they'll be bad, but fun, things.
Pose For An Iconic Pic
No Facebook profile is complete without a snap of you dickishly ‘pinching’ the Eiffel Tower, ‘pushing’ the Leaning Tower of Pisa, or covering your bedroom with photos of your ex. Actually, maybe not the last one.
Finish The Wire
People are only going to keep on asking you, aren’t they? It’s now more acceptable to be a virgin in your 30s than it is to have never seen any of the major HBO sagas, so get on it. See also: Breaking Bad, Lost and anything else that's still badass—because who needs reality shows anyway?
Poach An Egg Properly
Be the master of this one fiddly thing in the kitchen and women will forever think you’re some sort of Gregg ‘I’m tasting strawberries’ Wallace/Gordon Ramsay sexbot. Clue: vinegar’s the key (to the eggs, not the sex, obviously).
Pretend To Be A Ladyboy
Because tucking your bits inside your legs ‘for lols’ is fairly amusing when you’re young, but not so much when you’re 35 and in the changing area of a council swimming pool.
‘Sleep’ On A Beach
Nothing puts you more at one with the elements than having a kickass party on a beach that goes on until dog walkers find you the next morning and assume they’ve found a washed-up corpse—albeit one covered in a mixture of fluorescent paint and Jägermeister.
Grow A F'in Beard
Whether it’s only face-fuzz or a full-blown bushy beard, only faff with your facial hair while you’re young enough to get away with it. Otherwise you’ll resemble the sort of bloke that rummages in bins for used jazz mags.
Be A Festival Idiot
It’s a rite of passage to cause a ruckus at some overpopulated music festival where you can overturn a caravan and then pull an all-nighter to take part in a dubstep rave. But do it while you’re young and single—no toddler wants to see their dad dancing with a tree at 7 in the morning.
Steve Jobs was 21 when he founded Apple, so get your skates on if you want to invent something that changes the world. Maybe sit under a tree in the hope you discover a successor to gravity. Or go online and steal someone else’s idea. Easy.
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