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10 Things No Grown Man Should Have In His Bedroom

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I'm not an interior designer. I can't very well begin to tell you what ottoman will suit your accent wall or what drapes will provide the right Bohemian lighting. In fact, I don't even know WTF I just said. I basically just attempted to piece together a bunch of words I've heard on HGTV to formulate a proper sentence. That my friends, is called improvising.

This article isn't meant as a means of teaching you how to decorate. Again, I don't know how to decorate. My desk currently has an old, half-eaten banana and single broken paper clip on it, I'm not exactly Martha Stewart.

What I do know and what I'm actually qualified to attest to (by way of experience/eavesdropping on my female peers) is the sh-t you should NOT have in your bedroom. If you're 16 and reading this, by all means, ignore. If you're grown, then I suggest you sit back and enjoy the ride. By grown I mean 23 and up, by the way. I give a pass to the 21 and 22-year-olds because I believe you should have at least two years of uninterrupted (legal) binge drinking to enjoy.

This list is applicable to ANY bedroom, ANYWHERE. I don't care if you own a multi-million dollar apartment on Central Park West, this sh-t isn't going to fly, moneybags.

  1. Your bedsheets should have zero design resembling the sheets of a 12-year-old boy. This means no footballs, no superheroes, and especially no cartoon characters of any kind. Even if it's laundry day, do not invite a grown woman into your space under these atrocious circumstances. Any woman who dismisses your poor judgement as a quirk, is an idiot.

  2. Your bong should not be on display. I don't care if you own a bong, hell, I don't care if you own 25 bongs, keep it in the closet, under the bathroom sink, buried in the backyard, wherever, just not your bedside table.

  3. Anything you use to 'take care of yourself' should also be kept hidden. Yes, I get it, you're a grown man, why can't you keep lotion and tissues next to you bed? Well, because YOU'RE A GROWN MAN and that woman you just brought over isn't going to buy, "I'm sick and have dry hands" speech.

  4. Empty alcohol bottles. You'll look like a member of Sigma Kappa Douchebag. What's the point? Unless you plan on repurposing them as a lamp or something, just recycle them!

  5. A waterbed....do I really need to explain why this makes you look tacky?

  6. Any sort of animal skin rug, faux or otherwise. Some people will argue it's chic, I will argue it's creepy.

  7. Why do you have a Lava Lamp? It's not 1963, you're not impressing anyone.

  8. Saying that you shouldn't have posters of naked women is going to sound slightly hypocritical coming from a writer at FHM, but I'm going to say it anyway. You will again like a member of Sigma Kappa Douchebag. If you want to look at scantily-clad women. Just head over to FHM.com...we've got your back. You're welcome for the shameless plug.

  9. A dead plant. If you can't take care of a plant, why is there a plant in your room?? I know this seems obvious, but I'm telling you, men think a dead plant is better than no plant. It's not! Just get a cactus if you're incapable of watering something to sustain life.

  10. Any sort of pool table or foosball device is a no-go. Your room shouldn't look like a barcade. Not to sound cliche, but a bachelor pad isn't attracting women, it's repelling them.

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