We’ve been having a lively debate in the office about the upcoming Top Gun 2, Independence Day 2 and potential White Chicks 2.
Some of us think Top Gun 2 is a great idea, but the rest of us reckon Hollywood needs to leave the classics alone and come up with some fresh ideas.
So, we decided to stop the arguing and come together to create a definitive list of all the films that need never be revisited, permanently, or else we’ll be forced to abandon all cinema for the rest of time…
Why you can’t remake it: The impressively realistic CGI shark would no doubt spend several hours chasing scantily clad women down the beach, perhaps even getting caught up in a sharknado in the process. The classic two-note score that made us jump out of our skins the first time round would probably end up auto-tuned to death. Let’s face it, there’d be no suspense. It'd be cartoonish.
Why you can’t remake it: First thing’s first: Have you seen Jonathan Lipnicki these days? More like Stuart CHISELLED. And Lil’ Bow Wow, now known only as Bow Wow, stands at a healthy 5ft 7in. Not tall, but not exactly Lil’, either. And even if Hollywood somehow births another pair of elfin film stars, it’s impossible to think they’ll be able to recapture the sheer magic of the original.
Why you can’t remake it: It’s set in a futuristic 2017, which despite what the screenwriters thought, is probably going to be the same as right now. Except maybe, probably, a bit worse. Besides, we’ve already got Jennifer Lawrence’s star vehicle The Hunger Games.
Why you can’t remake it: We don’t need a Back To The Future 4. We’re already in the future. We’ve got hover boards and everything. That skateboard chase scene in today's cinema would just be explosions, everywhere. Imagine a ridiculously geeky Doc who makes a time machine out of a Lamborghini, or a Marty replacement who goes around making smart-arse one liners? No one but Michael J Fox can play Marty McFly. No one.
Why you can’t remake it: The graphics would be too slick, and anthropomorphic Bugs Bunny would look a little too real.
Why you can’t remake it: No one will EVER look as terrifyingly sexy as Uma Thurman in that dance scene.
Why you can’t remake it: As a film in the 2010s, it’d most likely be about the internet. Nowadays, the Narrator wouldn’t go to the doctors. He’d just Google insomnia, find a solution and when things got really bad, search for split personality disorder or dissociative behaviour – making the big twist kind of obsolete. Also, good luck keeping your Fight Club a secret, when some idiot's accidentally made it into an open Facebook event.
Why you can’t remake it: The film is three hours long, and everybody dies at the end. You can’t suddenly bring all the characters back to life. There’s no Game Of Thrones-esque resurrections in Ancient Rome.
Why you can’t remake it: Horror remakes are unnecessary. See Poltergeist.
Why you can’t remake it: We presume they would try to remake it with rappers. Same goes for Scarface.
Why you can’t remake it: Please don’t remake this. We now know what 2001 was like, and instead of spaceships we got a shitty dome and a shitty bridge.
Why you can’t remake it: Yeah, it's a remake thingy of Sleepless In Seattle, but the next logical step would be seeing Chris Pratt snapchatting dick pics to Emma Stone in a film called Swipe Right.