Football’s back—Finally! This Thursday the NFL season kicks off with a Super Bowl rematch that’s as titillating as ever. And while everyone’s excited about the pigskin’s return, it also happens to be debate season, meaning Hilary Clinton and Donald Trump will square off in a showdown of epic ridiculousness.
Sure, our great nation will end up with either Hil or The Donald as our next Commander-in-Chief, presumably, but what if we could elect a current NFL player as president instead? A year ago the obvious choice would have been Peyton Manning, and judging by his zingers at The Comedy Central Roast of Rob Lowe, he would have been the sheriff from the pocket and the podium.
Just because Peyton’s retired, though, doesn’t mean we don’t still have plenty of options to choose from, which is why we’re giving you five players who deserve POTUS consideration—Oh, and other than one of them, let’s just pretend they’re over 35.
1. Tom Brady
I know, this one’s obvious. Brady is tall, has a great smile and the ability to command a room—or huddle. He’s like a Kennedy, minus the addictions. His State of the Union addresses would be broadcast on channels like ESPN and the E! Network. Millions of men would follow his lead, making male Uggs the single greatest stimulant to the United States' economy. Brady has encountered just enough obstacles (6th round pick, Deflategate, Aaron Hernandez) to win over most Americans. Belichick has groomed him—for anything.
2. Richard Sherman
One of the NFL’s biggest trash talkers is also the most articulate. Stanford-educated and outspoken on social issues, Sherman would be a refreshing voice in an arena that has been stale for decades. He values his mom’s Campbell’s chunky soup, so you know he’d get the female vote. Plus, he could play man coverage on Putin. Who needs a wall when you’ve got the Legion of Boom?
3. Eli Manning
Since this list is comprised of current NFL players, this is the closest to Peyton we could get. Eli is sort of the Frank Stallone of the NFL (millennials are ferociously Googling as we speak). As we’ve seen in the last two decades, legacy presidents are the new norm (Bush and Clinton). The Manning name carries a lot of weight, and Eli has started over 150 games in a row, so you know he’s consistent. Bonus points if he makes Tom Coughlin vice president. That old bastard doesn’t take shit from anyone—even after he gets fired.
4. Larry Fitzgerald
The pro’s pro. Fitzgerald represents all that is good in the NFL. He’s transitioned from a number one receiver to a slot/blocking wideout who seems to be accelerating into another gear at age 33. Earning his Bachelor’s degree later in life, he sets a good example for the youth of America. Fitzgerald is substance in a world that values style. When it comes to running a country, you want a guy who can who can get along with others and has the education to make informed decisions. Fitz is the guy.
5. J.J. Watt
Watt is a beast in everything he does. Whether he's sacking quarterbacks or giving his time to charity, Watt’s Hulkish build and corn-fed handsomeness were made for politics. A graduate of Wisconsin and currently playing in the country's fourth-largest city, Houston, just screams ‘MERICA! Think of him as an Anglo-Saxon Dwayne Johnson. This man can flip monster tires and, with the right direction, he could flip the deficit by sheer intimidation.
Josh Womack is the head writer of Laugh Staff. He writes hilarious speeches.