We’re all reliant on technology in our day-to-day lives. Robots scan our shopping, they tell us what shit films to avoid at the cinema, and they politely call our mobile phones with information about fantasy insurance payment claims that in an ideal world would make us very rich.
But when it comes to the bedroom, we’re still not totally sold that we want a collection of circuit boards having free reign over our private parts.
It's not that we're sexual luddites - it's just that most techy sex toys are legitimately insane. And to prove it, here are 6 rude gadgets that are on an unassailable course for world domination...
For the low, low price of $1000, you can own this: the world's first vibrating rubber bum. At least we think it is - to be honest we've been too busy staring at this picture in utter confusion to actually research any alternatives. Not only does it feature several different 'twerking speeds', but it can also warm itself to a temperature of 98.6 degrees AND completely rob you of any self-worth you once possesed. A must buy.
As the world’s first shape-shifting sex toy, the emphatically named the 'Crescendo' not only bends to fit your personal desires, but also houses motors that react to your mood. Nice, but all we can think about is the evil cousin of Flubber morphing into a machine gun with a very different idea about what constitutes sexy foreplay.
Virtual Reality is all the rage at the moment, so it was inevitable that software sex would find its way onto the agenda eventually. A few years ago, Japanese company Tenga unveiled an Oculus Rift-powered program that simulates the participant receiving sexual favours from an anime avatar. All fun and games, until she suddenly pulls out a samurai sword and you find yourself in the midst of the hardest boss battle of your life.
Without even mentioning the fact that in motion it resembles that orange blob from the EDF energy adverts getting frisky in a time capsule, the Autoblow 2 is a nerve-wracking proposition. If the thought of thrusting your most treasured possession into a wall-powered device isn’t enough, what happens when it enjoys your company so much it doesn’t want to let go?
Presumably designed by Tony Stark on his dirty day off, Hello Touch turns you into a sexual cyborg with its natural finger vibrators. Being outperformed in the bedroom by a tiny robot is one thing, but what about when it inevitably malfunctions, eh? That would be a real mood-dampener.
If you’ve always dreamed of a steamy encounter with a giant, mechanical Barbie, then far be it from us to talk you out of parting with the $5000 that the RealDoll will cost for its services. But have you seen i, ROBOT?! The company that makes the dolls temporarily introduced computer controlled speech feedback and robotic hips as customization options. The sexbots are coming, and they have no interest in spooning. Be afraid.
_ Images: _ Huffington Post/The Crowdfund Network/Supernovo.net/Uncrate/Imgur