Image via Warner Bros
1. Watch the Film *Magic Mike*
Yes, it’s quite adorable how excited your girlfriend and all her friends get about Channing Tatum’s ass, but don’t ever attempt to get in on the fun yourself. You’ll just spend the rest of the evening staring at your own naked body in the mirror as you weep and eat Nutella out of the jar.
2. Flirt Your Way Out Of A Sticky Situation
The flutter of your girlfriend’s eyelids can guarantee drinks after last orders and leniency from even the most Stalin-like of traffic wardens. Yet when you try to flirt your way through the barriers after ‘losing’ your train ticket, you’re carted off by British Transport Police quicker than you can say ‘restraining order’. Go figure!
3. Wear 'Sexy' Undies
Girls have got the whole sexy underwear thing covered, so you can retire your ‘lucky’ pulling pants and chuck away those novelty ‘May contain nuts’ boxers while you’re at it. Though you can keep the Homer Simpson tie: a vital weapon in any job hunter’s armoury.
4. Cut Your Own Hair
You’ll either end up stabbing yourself in the head or looking like the fella from The Hills Have Eyes if you try to give your own barnet a trim. Ladyfolk manage such tasks without professionals, YouTube tutorials or trips to A&E.
5. Get Naked In Front Of Your Friends
Whereas girls can happily parade around their pals in the buff (“Jess, your abs are amazing – is it the Zumba classes?”) there’s no panic like the horror men experience when the towel slips in the changing rooms.
6. Send NSFW Pics To Someone
As the more beautiful sex, women were always going to have a handle on the whole ‘selfie’ thing. Notice how when a celeb lady’s selfies leak, they always look incredible. Yet when it’s a bloke, it’s normally some pot-bellied politician with his knob limply dangling like an old party balloon.
Only 50 per cent of the population can get away with grinding their bottoms to the delight of others. The other half just manage to look like they’re trying to shift a bad case of worms. Guess which one you’d be?
8. Wax Anything
Not only is it more painful than a million vinegar-tainted paper cuts, but just pause for a moment to think how odd you’d look without hairy legs. Yes, give your bush the odd trim, but stop short of looking like a blow-up sex doll or, even worse, a professional cyclist.
Words: Simon Cunningham