Updated: Sep 23, 2017 1:09 am
Maybe you're expecting some company and you want to be prepared to impress. Or hey, maybe you just want to stop living like a feral beast after all this time and finally have a respectable home.
Whatever the case, we've pulled together some quick tips to keep you on top of your game. Not only will they help you seal the deal, you'll also be able to enjoy your downtime a little bit better and clear your mind after a long day at work. It's a win-win, right?
1. Clean Those Dishes, Take Out the Trash
This one's a no-brainer. Start with this stuff that causes a stink, and sucks the most to do. Been awhile? Crack a window while you're at it. If the trash bin still stinks after you toss out the rubbish, spray it with air freshener, and if for some reason you don't have that, try a fabric softener sheet instead.
Then, from here on out, avoid letting the dishes pile up and the trash sit for too long. At the end of it all, this will take the same amount of effort as waiting until the last possible second.
2. Put These Candles All Around the Place, Especially Before She Comes Over
They're called tea lights and you can get packs of 30 at IKEA for less than $5 a pop. As one reader points out, you should get some holders for these, which also come in a five-pack at IKEA for $3. They last about four hours apiece and can make any room look like that spa from 'John Wick,' concealing your otherwise drab setup. Just don't overdo it, more than five in your room will look like you run a sex cult or something.
3. Say Goodbye to the Bad Smell/Good Smell Piles
Doing laundry sucks. A lot. But if the spot you pick your clothes from looks like the Aggro Crag, you're doing it way wrong. Get a cheap laundry bin, and fold your clothes once you've washed them and tuck them away neatly in your closet or dresser. Sorry dude, mom's not responsible for that stuff anymore.
4. Invest in Two Good Whiskey Glasses, and One Good Bottle
If you're still drinking out of shot glasses and Solo cups, it's time to upgrade. All you need is two standard whiskey glasses, like what's pictured here, to start. Then, get away from the bottom-shelf booze and try to start enjoying your stronger spirits. If you're not all that familiar with whiskey, we recommend a good bourbon, like Buffalo Trace or Four Roses Small Batch, as a good starting place. They're both affordable, not much more than your standard Jack or Jim Beam, but are so much more enjoyable. It'll also (metaphorically) put some hair on your chest.
5. Conceal the Collectibles
We've all got these in some form or another -- childhood action figures, Star Wars/Doctor Who/Marvel/DC collectibles, sports memorabilia, and so on. Whatever your passion, it's something to be proud of and glean happiness from. But if you've got an entire wall or bookcase full of this stuff, it's almost guaranteed to be an immediate dealbreaker for your special guest. Display only a handful of these things, or if your first edition Kenner Luke Skywalker must always be next to your Leia plush, put these guys in a cabinet with doors. It's your only hope.
6. Paint One Wall in Your Living Room
According to one of our staffer's ex-girlfriends, they call this an "accent wall." If your place looks like a model home or padded cell, add some much-needed color to one, solid wall in your living or bedroom. It'll make a huge difference, add dimension and interest to your place, and overall just kind of make it look like you've got your life together. For these rooms we recommend a cooler color, like blues and greens, instead of more aggressive reds and yellows.
7. Read Some Books and Then Display Them Like You’re a Supergenius or Something
Books not only look cool, they make you look cool. And hey, if you read them, they make you a more well-rounded and interesting human being! Just avoid the Tucker Max and Ayn Rand fare and you'll be fine. And with all that newly freed space from where your He-Man playset used to be, it'll fit perfectly in its place.
9. Set the Mood
The last and most important component to the finest of all bachelor pads is the mood you set. If you've followed everything so far, your place is clean, calm, and relaxing. The only thing left is yourself, and the ambiance. Be confident, courteous, and as smooth as that bourbon you bought earlier. Put on a fun playlist you can lounge to, tell a few jokes, and relish in your master level bachelorhood. Godspeed!