You probably had a moment just like it. It was probably when you were at school. The realisation – usually pointed out by someone else – that something about you wasn’t normal. Maybe it was the number of showers you took a day. Or the way you ate. Perhaps you didn’t care about the same things as everyone else. Whatever it was, it made you feel different.
Hopefully, you’ll have realised by now that there’s nothing wrong with being different. In fact, here at FHM, we celebrate weirdness, individuality and the fact that some of us actually genuinely enjoy country music, thanks very much.
Having said that, it’s a basic human desire to want to know everyone else’s business. How often do your mates wash their sheets? Is MILF porn the norm? We asked 7,000 men a whole load of palm-clammingly personal questions to deduce what – in the topsy-turvy world of 2015 Britain – counts as ‘normal’.
The average age that Brits lose their virginity is apparently bang on 16 – but it’s been getting younger and younger with every generation. The average age that men now over 55 lost their virginity is between 19 and 20, whereas the current crop of 16- to 24-year-olds popped their cherry aged 15.
When did your favourite celebs become men?
P. Diddy 13
Johnny Depp 13
Ozzy Osbourne 14
Dustin Hoffman 15
Matthew McConaughey 15
Tiger Woods 16
Daniel Radcliffe 16
Will Ferrell 21
Chris Martin 22
Ian McKellen 22
Gary Coleman 40
A recent YouGov poll found that the average British man claims to wash his sheets about once every 10 days. We’re dubious. A survey by a mattress company in 2013 found the average British bachelor changes his sheets just once every three months. Need an incentive to do better? If you sleep eight hours a night for a month, your body will secrete roughly 30g of skin and 30 pints of sweat. The Ohio State University entomology department says dust mites eat this skin and defecate faecal pellets in your sheets which you breathe in and can get lodged in your throat. A typical used mattress has 100,000 to 10 million mites inside, depending how well its sheets are washed. Sweet dreams.
You’re alone. You’ve spent the night watching telly, sunk a bottle of wine, and your eye wanders down towards your hand. Just you and me, old friend. Like always.
Whether you’re in a relationship or not, there isn’t a scientist in the world that will tell you self-loving is not a normal reaction to boredom, singledom or a sleepy girlfriend. In fact, British psychologists at the Journal of Psychology & Human Sexuality found that young men masturbate on average 12 times a month. That’s once every two-and-a-half days. They’ll also tell you it’s pretty much impossible to self-love too much. Too hard, yes – extreme cases have seen men fracture their weenies or rupture arteries – but too much, no. Researchers in Australia have even claimed regular masturbation can reduce the risk of prostate cancer.
(At least that’s what they’re telling us.)
If you are one of the confused, you're not alone. “What is love?” was the most Googled query in 2012, according to the search engine. Last year it came third, beaten only by Ebola and the muscle-wasting disease ALS.
You’re still doing the spreadsheet your boss asked you to write five days ago. It doesn’t take five days to do a spreadsheet. You know this, your boss knows this. Nobody even wants the spreadsheet you’re pretending to make. Work wasn’t supposed to be like this… and you hate it. But you’re not the only one. A report published last year by Gallup, the Washington DC-based polling organisation, found that only 13% of workers across 189 countries felt engaged by their jobs. If you’re not one of them, it’s time for a change. Just don’t go out and buy a pub (see list).
TOP FIVE HAPPIEST JOBS
Chief executive/senior official
TOP FIVE UNHAPPIEST JOBS
Do you feel like the only one in your friendship group not populating their photo stream with a never-ending procession of their own face? According to a survey, you’re not alone. And this is a good thing: Ohio State University recently discovered that men who took a lot of selfies were more likely to be narcissists, prone to ‘self-objectification’ and even psychopathy.
Are you more sofa than man? Do your arteries resemble Pizza Hut stuffed crusts? Get your arse in gear and work up a sweat (the vast majority of our readers do some kind of exercise on a semi-regular basis). Get out. Jog to the pub. Jog back. Have sex, which, according to research by American science journal PlusOne, burns 4.2 calories a minute for men (3.1cpm for women). Benenden’s Healthcare National Health Report 2014 found the average British man does 73 minutes of cardio per week. That’s 77 minutes less than the NHS recommends, but it’s better than raising a pint to your beer hole. Speaking of which...
Who doesn’t like to blow the froth off a few pints of a weekend? Joy vacuums, that’s who. But here’s a sobering fact: the average Brit drinks 1,337 units of alcohol, or about 445 pints of beer a year. That’s eight and a half pints a week, according to the World Health Organisation.
The average guy sleeps with nine people in his lifetime, which, according to a recent poll, is about right. There is a theory called The Rule of 10 – the idea that if someone’s slept with too few people, they’ll be perceived as a fumbling sexual novice but too many partners means they’ll be morally bankrupt and possibly riddled with all sorts of diseases.
For shame. For shame.
It’s how Him Upstairs intended us to be, right? Still, research at the University of the West of England found in 2012 that 38% of men would sacrifice at least a year of their life in exchange for a perfect body while 63% said they were paranoid that their arms or chests weren’t muscly enough. Another survey last year found a quarter of men aged between 20 and 30 are so self-conscious about being in the nip that they prefer to have sex with the lights turned off.
Experts suggest that to maintain a ship-shape schlong, the average man should tend to his foliage every 12-14 days
Forget the black-clad bogeymen of Isis and the fiscal minefield of being able to afford a house and a family – what really scares us men is not being able to tick a load of stuff off our bucket lists.