You probably had a moment just like it. It was probably when you were at school. The realisation – usually pointed out by someone else – that something about you wasn’t normal. Maybe it was the number of showers you took a day. Or the way you ate. Perhaps you didn’t care about the same things as everyone else. Whatever it was, it made you feel different.
Hopefully, you’ll have realised by now that there’s nothing wrong with being different. In fact, here at FHM, we celebrate weirdness, individuality and the fact that some of us actually genuinely enjoy country music, thanks very much.
Having said that, it’s a basic human desire to want to know everyone else’s business. How often do your mates wash their sheets? Is MILF porn the norm? We asked 7,000 men a whole load of palm-clammingly personal questions to deduce what – in the topsy-turvy world of 2015 Britain – counts as ‘normal’.
33% of readers lost their virginity after their 18th birthday
When did your favourite celebs become men?
P. Diddy 13
Johnny Depp 13
Ozzy Osbourne 14
Dustin Hoffman 15
Matthew McConaughey 15
Tiger Woods 16
Daniel Radcliffe 16
Will Ferrell 21
Chris Martin 22
Ian McKellen 22
Gary Coleman 40
76% OF YOU THINK IT IS THE SAME OR HARDER BEING A MAN TODAY THAN IN THE PAST
48% of you change your sheets less than once a month
40% of you masturbate once a day
You’re alone. You’ve spent the night watching telly, sunk a bottle of wine, and your eye wanders down towards your hand. Just you and me, old friend. Like always.
Whether you’re in a relationship or not, there isn’t a scientist in the world that will tell you self-loving is not a normal reaction to boredom, singledom or a sleepy girlfriend. In fact, British psychologists at the Journal of Psychology & Human Sexuality found that young men masturbate on average 12 times a month. That’s once every two-and-a-half days. They’ll also tell you it’s pretty much impossible to self-love too much. Too hard, yes – extreme cases have seen men fracture their weenies or rupture arteries – but too much, no. Researchers in Australia have even claimed regular masturbation can reduce the risk of prostate cancer.
7% OF MEN CAN’T REMEMBER IF THEY’VE EVER LET ANYTHING INSIDE THEIR BUM DURING SEX
(At least that’s what they’re telling us.)
22% of men don’t actually know if they’re in love
If you are one of the confused, you're not alone. “What is love?” was the most Googled query in 2012, according to the search engine. Last year it came third, beaten only by Ebola and the muscle-wasting disease ALS.
32% of men hate their job
You’re still doing the spreadsheet your boss asked you to write five days ago. It doesn’t take five days to do a spreadsheet. You know this, your boss knows this. Nobody even wants the spreadsheet you’re pretending to make. Work wasn’t supposed to be like this… and you hate it. But you’re not the only one. A report published last year by Gallup, the Washington DC-based polling organisation, found that only 13% of workers across 189 countries felt engaged by their jobs. If you’re not one of them, it’s time for a change. Just don’t go out and buy a pub (see list).
TOP FIVE HAPPIEST JOBS
Chief executive/senior official
TOP FIVE UNHAPPIEST JOBS
More than half our readers don't take selfies
36% of you do a lot of exercise
Are you more sofa than man? Do your arteries resemble Pizza Hut stuffed crusts? Get your arse in gear and work up a sweat (the vast majority of our readers do some kind of exercise on a semi-regular basis). Get out. Jog to the pub. Jog back. Have sex, which, according to research by American science journal PlusOne, burns 4.2 calories a minute for men (3.1cpm for women). Benenden’s Healthcare National Health Report 2014 found the average British man does 73 minutes of cardio per week. That’s 77 minutes less than the NHS recommends, but it’s better than raising a pint to your beer hole. Speaking of which...
40% of men drink more than 4 pints a week
Who doesn’t like to blow the froth off a few pints of a weekend? Joy vacuums, that’s who. But here’s a sobering fact: the average Brit drinks 1,337 units of alcohol, or about 445 pints of beer a year. That’s eight and a half pints a week, according to the World Health Organisation.
46% of you have slept with five people or less
LESS THAN HALF OF READERS CAN CATEGORICALLY SAY “I’VE NEVER CHEATED ON A PARTNER”
For shame. For shame.
31% of readers say they are uncomfortable being totally naked in front of someone
MORE THAN FOUR-FIFTHS OF YOU TRIM YOUR PRIVATES
Experts suggest that to maintain a ship-shape schlong, the average man should tend to his foliage every 12-14 days