By rights, office holiday parties should be the least sexy things in the world: It’s hard to imagine anything less erotic than an event built around eggnog, ‘wacky’ sweaters and novelty pop hits from the ’70s and '80s.
And yet, your average Yuletide do will degenerate into a snogging-and-fingering orgy faster than you can say, “Oh, go on then…” The most reliably filthy parties of all are, of course, work holiday parties, which include hives of drunken kisses and regrettable stationery-cupboard blowjobs.
A 2015 survey of 1,168 British office workers found that a whopping 33 percent had had sex with a colleague following (or during!) their company holiday bash. Every holiday party is essentially the same, however—a tinsel-decked, booze-soaked excuse to have a end of year one-night stand with someone you’ve had a half-arsed crush on all year.
But tread carefully—cop off with the wrong casual acquaintance, and a world of cringing pain awaits.
Hover over the image and click the mistletoe to find out who's who
Jacqui, The Goth Girl Who Works At Spar
Pros: Bat-black hair, purple fingernails, a neck tattoo and an air of total disdain for everything around her—if you can crack her icy exterior, a night of handcuffing, wax dripping and utterly deranged sexing awaits.
Cons: If things go awry in the morning, prepare to have a lot of venomous things said about you on every social media platform, even Bebo. That, and a good old-fashioned hex/curse/plague of some kind.
Danger Rating: Medium to dicey.
Paula, Your Line Manager
Pros: What could be saucier than bending your uptight boss over the big printer next to the water cooler as she demands that you service her “Harder, Goddamn it!” in the exact tone she uses to reprimand you for your lateness?
Cons: You’re pretty sure the office CCTV hasn’t worked in years, but then again, if your fleeting Cava-powered rut is on tape, that office email is going viral, son.
Danger Rating: Squirmy.
Beth, Your Housemate's Ex
Pros: You’ll finally get to see if Beth looks as hot naked as you always imagined she did when you were forced to listen to her banging away in the next room like a barn door in a hurricane.
Cons: Every time your housemate ever does anything nice for you again—from fetching your washing in when it starts raining to bringing you some booze back from his holiday—you’re going to feel like a real scumbag.
Danger Rating: A world of wretchedness awaits.
Kelly, The Hot Instructor At Your Gym
Pros: She’s already seen you half-naked, sweating and pulling sex faces, so there’s already a sort of sexual element to your acquaintance. Plus, bank on the sex being as energetic and high impact as it gets.
Cons: Athletic intercourse isn’t all that, er, tidy with a juddering belly full of buffet stodge, Christmas cake and Aldi port.
Danger Rating: Physically risky.
Katherine, Your Postwoman
Pros: Remember when you signed for your router in just your boxers, and you were pretty certain she was tempted to drop her postbag and bang you senseless on a big pile of pizza menus? Well, she’s off duty—now’s your moment!
Cons: She may start hurling your Amazon parcels over your garden fence to avoid awkward interactions, so don’t order anything too pricey.
Danger Rating: Safe as a Jiffy Bag.
Sara, Your Ex's Sister
Pros: All that unspoken sexual tension that occurred whenever you two found yourselves alone is going to explode like a Christmas cracker the size of a postbox.
Cons: Unless she’s as uncrackable as a CIA spy, your encounter will get back to her sis, so keep a packed suitcase, $1,000 and a fake passport by the front door for when the inevitable happens.
Danger Rating: Potentially fatal.
Jane, Your Housemate
Pros: It’s almost impossible to live with anyone of the opposite sex and not want to kiss their boobs at some point. At least after a drunken Christmas party, you can both say, “LOL, drunken Christmas party, what are we like!” before arguing over who buys bread next.
Cons: The morning after, you may get the claustrophobic sensation that you’ve time-travelled through a relationship, from first snog to cohabiting, literally overnight.
Danger Rating: Ahh, it’s inevitable anyway—why fight it?
Illustration by: Glen Brogan