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Can Pumpkin Pie Turn Me Into A Sex God? Find Out Which Aphrodisiacs Help You Achieve Sexual Heroism

Last Valentine’s Day 700,000 of us coughed up the £20 for a Marks and Spencer’s Gourmet ready meal for two. Guys, we can do better.

We’re not saying a romantic dinner isn’t a great way to make your prettier half feel special, and help lead you both to some steamy action between the sheets. It is. In fact, the human race has relied upon food to get us in the mood for loving since forever. But of all the edible romance inducers, which ones are worth sticking on the most mind-blowing menu ever, and which are a just a lot of hot air?

We found seven foods that science and research boffs reckon possess the power to boost your dirty desires, and persuaded an FHM Guinea Pig to chow them down to see what, if any, upped his heart rate to the point of sexual frenzy...

Orgasmic oysters

Peak heart rate: 84 bpm

THE CLAIM: Probably the most famous of all aphrodisiacs, these bi-valve molluscs were gobbled up by notorious shagger Casanova.

OUR RESULTS: The slimy critters only mustered a slight heart rate increase, and a mild smile in response to our hot girl’s flirting.

THE SCIENCE: There’s very little science to support this ancient aphrodisiac, save for the high zinc content, which is proven to up a man’s sperm count by the bucket load. We felt inclined to save the sperm count test for another day.

Boner-popping pumpkin pie

Peak heart rate: 70bpm

THE CLAIM: Just a whiff of one of America’s finest desserts is enough to have us tearing at our trousers.

OUR RESULTS: Our man’s trousers could well have been on fire, but the rest of him seemed to be falling asleep, with our first recorded in heart rate.

THE SCIENCE: The Smell & Taste Treatment and Research Foundation in Chicago discovered that wafting a fresh pie under a man’s nose increased penile blood flow by 40%. Us Brits, however, seem unaffected by its charm.

A hunk of dark chocolate

Peak heart rate: 91 bpm

THE CLAIM: This Valentine’s staple makes you happy, the same type of ‘happy’ you get after sex.

OUR RESULTS: Lock up your daughters! FHM guinea pig’s feeling randy, with a rocketing heart rate and some unnerving giggling at our sexy assistant’s flirting!

THE SCIENCE: Loads of libido-raising stuff is crammed into your dark Cadbury’s, including phenylethylamine, which causes the release of those ‘I’m so happy’ sex endorphins. We definitely saw them work their magic here. A real winner.

Sweet, sweet honey

Peak heart rate: 90 bpm

THE CLAIM: Backed by medical big dog Hippocrates, who prescribed his Greek patients a dose of the sticky nectar as a way to ramp up your bedroom mojo.

OUR RESULTS: FHM Guinea Pig’s ticker is beating like a happy hardcore bass drum, but that may be down to the massive hit of sugar in the eight serving spoons of the stuff we gave him. Either way it’s another win for horny eats.

THE SCIENCE: This nectar contains B-vitamins and the mineral boron, ideal for bumping up your testosterone production, and in turn, heightening your sex drive.

Salacious asparagus

Peak heart rate: 72 bpm

THE CLAIM: In 19th century France, grooms were served three courses of these green spears before they sealed the deal on their wedding nights.

OUR RESULTS: Not even an itch in his pants. FHM Guinea Pig’s heart is unchanged, and he seems more interested in pretending he’s holding a long floppy cigar than our sexy assistant.

THE SCIENCE: Hmm, not a great deal. Some experts claim that asparagus gets the human mind racing with its ‘phallic’ shape. But in our books, if this reminds you of your todger, you shouldn’t taking your kecks off for anyone but your GP.

Trouser-tightening Maca

Peak heart rate: 76bpm

THE CLAIM: Revered as a herbal Viagra in Brazil, where over a third of OAPs are still getting jiggy three times a week.

OUR RESULTS: Opening this bottle of pills released a whiff akin to your nan’s living room, potent enough to kill any boner in a 18-mile radius.

THE SCIENCE: Its all pretty muddy, with so many reports stating it’s a winner, so many completely refuting its sexy claims. All we know is, we saw zero effect. Oh, we should also mention that maca is used as a laxative, too…

Smoking-hot chillies

Peak heart rate:  86 bpm

THE CLAIM:  With the increased heart rate, clammy hands and light-headedness that eating a heat bomb brings on, chillies mimic the human sexual response.

OUR RESULTS:  FHM Guinea Pig couldn’t hide his increased heart rate, but the streaming nose, bulging crimson eyes and desperate gasps for milk made this a pretty odd ‘sexual response’.

THE SCIENCE:  All this fake randiness is caused by one culprit – capsaicin. Unfortunately, as a chemical irritant, we also saw its nasty side.

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