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When it comes to summarizing the key difference between the holidays as a kid and the holidays as an adult, we've got a pretty simple comparison to remember: When you're a kid, you've got a Christmas wish list. When you're an adult, you've got a Christmas check list. It's a pretty dismal reality, but it's the only one we've got. Holidays aren't without responsibility, guys.
Throw as many temper tantrums as you'd like, but at the end of the day your wife/girlfriend/mother is undoubtedly going to ask you to help with the following tasks and you know what? You're going to have to slap on a jolly smile and keep it moving. Otherwise, you'll be known as a petulant holiday man-child and trust us, that's not a good look on anyone over the age of five. Hell, it's not even a good look on them! Nobody wants to spend Christmastime with a Grinch.
We know that most of y'all hate the various Christmas duties below, but with a little sugar, spice, and quality advice we think you can breeze right through them (or at the very least not break a bone like last year).
There's not a lot of ways to sugarcoat the fact that hanging Christmas lights (whether it's outside or on the tree) is the worst holiday duty of all time. In fact, if we could somehow find a way to smash every single Christmas light on the earth, we would. That being said, it's gotta be done, guys. Our advice? Remain calm (possibly with a mild sedative) and be sure that you've untangled ALL the tights prior to hanging them. If anything, take a day to untangle them and then a day to hang them up. It'll spare you the agonizing headache. Also, if your Christmas lights are old as sh*t, buy new ones!! There's nothing worse than hanging them up only to realize half the bulbs are burnt out.
While this holiday responsibility is more "conventionally" associated with women, why not try and break down those gender barriers, you lazy piece of crap? Wrap a damn present, will you please? Actually, erm, wrapping presents is a waste of time. Our suggestion? Go buy some really festive holiday bags, throw a little tissue paper in there and call it a day.
We didn't want to have to say this, but, here goes: Santa is F'in creepy. This is the one responsibility we're going to suggest that you opt out of. Why go through the trouble of dressing like a fat, jolly man who puts up with screaming children when you can just be a fat, jolly man who sits on the couch and drinks beer?
Unless you have legitimate experience with chopping down trees, do not attempt to do this by yourself. We don't care how macho you want to look in front of your new girlfriend. All that bravado bullsh*t is going to fly right out the window the moment you lose a limb. Buy a Christmas tree that's already been removed from the ground, OK? Honestly, just buy a fake one. Why be extra?
This is actually one of the more pleasant Christmas responsibilities, but we've discovered over the years that women can get very particular with their tree decorating. One false move and there's likely to be some serious tears (from you, not her). We suggest coming up with a solid plan before getting started. If anything, think of tree decorating like sex — unless you ask a woman, there's a strong chance you'll never know WTF to do (not correctly, anyway).
We're not entirely sure if this is the most eco-friendly advice out there, but just grab it all and throw it directly into a huge black garbage back. We suppose breaking down the cardboard boxes would be the most appropriate course of action, but perhaps you can just convince the children to do that! Make it a game — "I bet you guys can't have all of this cleaned up in 5 minutes! Go!" Yeah, that's definitely the way to go, guys.
We know a lot of this stuff sucks the fun right out of the Christmas spirit, but that's life, OK? You can't just sit around and collect presents, you've gotta work for stuff...or you can just avoid the holidays altogether and flee to an island every year, the choice is yours.
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