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Modern dating culture has become the social equivalent of a colonoscopy — invasive and uncomfortable, but ultimately necessary for your overall health. Problem is, unlike a colonoscopy, dating doesn't have to be that way! The BS dating rules and regulations that millennials have somehow forced upon, well, themselves, really need to be abolished. Yes, I'm using the word abolished. It's that serious!
I overhear men and women alike (on a daily basis) freaking out over the most asinine problems — "Should I text them? It's only been a day! What if I look too needy? Is 'Hi' better than 'Hey'? Does this emoji make me look thirsty?" In truth, I don't even know how a F'in emoji can make someone look thirsty, but I'm sure there's protocol for that too! It's like a bunch of 20-somethings sat down and decided to make an already difficult thing even more difficult, implementing rules no one even asked for!
To put it bluntly, y'all sound like you need to be medicated, and while I'm sure Big Pharma would love it for every millennial to be hopped up on Xanax from now until our last dying breath, maybe it's best to take a figurative chill pill instead. Throw caution to the wind and stop listening to what you should be doing on dates and start doing what you want to do on dates.
In order to implement this strategy however, we're gonna have to erase some of the garbage. It's time to reverse-inception your asses. Queue "Eye of the Tiger". Below you'll find a list of modern dating rules I want you to read, process, then completely ignore for the rest of your natural born life.
No Sex On The First Date
- It's 2017, if you want to have sex with someone 10 minutes after meeting them, go for it. Girl, guy, two girls, three guys, a Swinger's party, I don't care. So long as it's safe and consensual, what else matters? Surely not the judgement of others. All that, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" crap, is exactly that — CRAP. Plus, who the hell drinks cow's milk anymore? It's bad for you. Drink almond milk, will you please?
- Urban legend has it that if you don't wait 72 hours to text someone after a date...your penis will fall off. Yep, you heard me. Right off to the ground. It'll sprout arms and legs and start a life in Rio de Janeiro without you. Sounds ridiculous, right? Yeah, well, so does putting limitations on communicating with someone. If you like someone, text them. It's that simple.
You Can't Talk About Politics, Money, Or Religion
- I'm going to try to keep this one short and sweet because I don't feel like raging out at my desk. Here goes: in order to get to know someone on a fundamental level these three topics absolutely need to be discussed. I'm not suggesting you whip them out on the first date, but c'mon, do you really think you can sustain a future relationship on discussing the latest Game of Thrones fan theories? Unfortunately, no. Ask the tough questions, people. It'll pay off in the end.
Don't Bring Up Your Ex
- Similarly to politics, money, and religion I don't recommend bringing up your ex on the first date, but after that? Why the hell not? If I'm dating someone, I want to be fully aware of what sort of baggage they're bringing to the table. If your ex-girlfriend crushed your heart into hamburger meat, that's something I want to know and I'm sure a lot of people would agree. Look, breakups are sh*tty, but they're universal and to deny yourself the option of speaking about them is unhealthy. I have a Bachelor's Degree in psychology (that I don't use) so you can trust me.
You Can't Hang Out Two Days In A Row
- The fact I just had to type that makes me feel all sorts of sad. How is it that we've become more concerned with looking desperate than we are with being happy? Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't the entire freakin' point of dating to spend time with someone? That time shouldn't be regulated. If you want to see someone two days in a row, then do it! Novel concept, I know. If they don't want to see you two days in a row, shouldn't that tell you everything you need to know? Human nature is far less complex than people think. I hate to break it to y'all, especially those dark mysterious types out there, but we aren't that deep.
That about sums it up, guys. The sooner you reprogram your brain, the sooner you'll actually start to look forward to the dating experience. In the event you're too cowardly to implement my advice, I'd like to direct you to Petfinder.com, because the only successful relationship you're going to have is with an animal (no judgement, just facts).
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