It's not that I don't love my own family or anything, it's just that if I were given the opportunity to break bread with the characters from Game of Thrones, I'd throw my own flesh and blood to the side faster than you could say "Westeros." Sorry, Mom — don't take it to heart too much, it's not as if that could ever happen. For starters, Game of Thrones is a fictional series and secondly — erm, actually, I don't have a secondly. The fact the show isn't real pretty much sums it up. This is a hypothetical situation, guys.
That being said, I have wondered (on more than one occasion) what it would be like to sit down for Christmas dinner with some of my favorite GoT characters. To be perfectly honest, I don't think there's a Christmas-equivalent in The Seven Kingdoms, but, again, I'm using my imagination. Please suspend a little belief for me, will you please?
Cersei Lannister: The Drunk Aunt
I hate to make a mockery of that one family member who drinks a bit too much on Christmas, but, hey! 'Tis the season, right? Cersei would 100% be the bitter, old aunt in the corner who never got married and prefers red wine to food and human interaction.
Tyrion Lannister: The Woke Uncle
For those of you who aren't aware, "woke" is a state of enlightenment — it basically means that you're not a Trump supporting, backward assh-le who thinks America should return to the days when women couldn't vote. Technically speaking, "woke" and "liberal" are interchangeable, but in my opinion "woke" also equates to wise and if there's anyone who knows what's up with the iron throne, it's Tyrion.
Jon Snow : The Brooding Artsy Cousin
Sigh, poor Jon. He's just too emotional for his own good. Much like the brooding, artsy cousin he'll try to rationalize his sensitivity with art and passion, but, really he's either entirely pretentious, depressed, or a little bit of both.
Daenerys Targaryen: The Cousin Who Always Has A New Boyfriend
Look, we all have that one family member who recycles boyfriends like they're going out of style. No judgement! In fact, all the more power to them, it's just that it can get a little difficult to keep up with names and those mushy-gushy "this is how we met" stories. Daenerys is never not in a relationship, even if it's just a FWB situation or hell, just a casual hookup with her long-lost nephew.
Arya Stark: The "You Got Games On Your Phone?" Cousin
I equate Arya to that one younger cousin who despite being loved by all the "grown-ups" is actually super annoying. I feel as if she'd be obnoxiously violent for no reason and the second you try and retaliate, she'd stark crying. She'll also relentlessly ask to use your phone no matter how many times you've said no.
Sansa Stark: The Ivy League Cousin
I love Sansa, truly, I do, but there's no denying she's a little bit stuck up. Sure, she's gone through some heinous situations and all that, but in a Christmas dinner situation, she's most likely lead with the fact that she's got a 4.0 from The University of King's Landing with a degree in ruling the entire North better than anyone else in the family ever could.
Gendry: The Cousin Who Eats, Opens, Presents, And Disappears
Any true GoT fan knows why this needs no explanation. Gendry comes and goes as he pleases. If he can disappear from a series for 56776 episodes, he can surely bounce after the first course of Christmas dinner.
As mentioned in the opener, I stuck with my favorite characters. If I had to throw in some honorable mentions, I'd include Jaimie Lannister and Varys. Jaimie would be the voice of reason and Varys would be the shameless gossip. All in all, the more I write about this, the less time I want to spend with my own family. Again, sorry Mom.
Lead Image Via HBO