Well, well, well folks — are you afraid? You should be. You’re in the great game now. And the great game is terrifying. Totally joking, this is going to be super fun. Mostly for me, but I suppose for you too. I encourage you to play along, maybe grab a friend and see if they have similar opinions on these important matters. If you're thinking, "I don't have any friends who watch Game of Thrones", might I suggest getting new freakin' friends. Honestly, you're not cool or edgy because you stay away from mainstream television. If anything, I think it makes you a hipster douche-nozzle —suck on that dragon-glass.
- In the event you didn't have any friends in high school and never played this game, it's pretty damn simple. I'm going to present (to myself) three Game of Thrones characters (dead or alive). I am then going to choose which one I would fck, which one I would marry, and which one I would kill. There's no exceptions! I can't kill two and marry one, or fck one and marry two — it's a very simple, dignified algorithm, people. Don't mess it up! Also, if you're not up to date with the current season, like circa LAST Sunday (8/13), stop reading. This article is dark and full of spoilers.
The Bad Gals
Olenna Tyrell — First off, RIP Olenna. You were an OG and a truly badass woman. 100% would marry. On behalf of the entire fandom, thanks for killing Joffrey. It was a pleasure to see him suffocate to death, slowly.
Cersei lannister — This was a difficult decision for me. If you had asked me last season, I would have said fck, however her sociopathic, incest-driven mania is *too much this season. Therefore, she must be killed.
Melisandre — To be fair, it doesn't really seem like Melisandre can die. I couldn't have thrown her in the kill category if I wanted to. I suppose by default, she'll get the f*ck.
The Stark Men
Jon Snow — Marry, without question. He's a little soft for my liking, but out of the all The Stark men, he's the only one who is willing to learn — not lose their head (literally) over pride and crappy wartime strategy.
Ned Stark — Sorry buddy, you died season 1 and you'll die now.
Rob Stark — Not going to lie, Rob was one handsome SOB. Therefore he gets the f-ck. I don't think The Red Wedding was his fault or anything, oh wait. Yes, yes I do think The Red Wedding was his fault. I realize Walder Frey executed the whole ordeal, but if Rob had just behaved more cautiously, perhaps half The Starks wouldn't have been brutally murdered (leaving all of us with deep, deep trauma).
The Alleged Targaryen Trio
Daenerys Targaryen — This trio is by far the hardest one yet. I love them all, truly I do. I simply cannot kill Daenerys, but I wouldn't marry her either. All of her spouses seem to die in a horrific way and that's not my idea of romance (most of the time(. So, Dany, you get the f*ck.
Jon Snow — I cannot believe I'm saying this but....kill. Who knows maybe he could come back to life...again.
Tyrion Lannister — Sarcastic, a bit of a drunk, wise-beyond-comprehension. Yep, that's got husband material written all over it.
The Women We Love
Daenerys Targaryen — Again, gonna have to give Dany the big F.
Sansa Stark — Sansa is a saint. She was married to Joffrey, enough said. Additionally, she has a quiet strength that I find so admirable. She's 100% #wifeymaterial.
Arya Stark — I'm not basing this on Arya this season. I happen to like Arya this season. All of the other seasons? Eh, I found her to be an arrogant little shit and therefore, she's gotta go. Kill!
The Bad Boys
Euron Greyjoy — Euron is an evil, tyrannical piece of trash, but he's sexy in a My Chemical Romance, pirate-y way. He gets the F.
The Hound — I think deep down he means well, but he has a pretty sordid past. Plus, he really needs to get over that whole fear of fire thing. We get it, man. You burnt your face as child, move on. Kill!
Jaime Lannister — Look, I realize he's gotten his sister pregnant FOUR times, but he looks like Prince Charming and I truly believe by the series end he will have done the honorable thing to make Westeros a better place. Marry, xoxo.