Can you believe that up until last night it had been roughly 375-damn-days since any of us were blessed with a new episode of Game of Thrones?! Looking back, it's hard to imagine how we survived the loss—carrying on our days without dragons, and adventure and of course, copious amounts of incest—such a travesty.
Fortunately the wait is over as last night's season 7 premiere dropped, leaving the entire fandom SHOOK. As an avid GoT enthusiast it was hard to assemble my thoughts and put my bias aside, but in the name of journalism, I come to you with truth, humor, and well, a bit of confusion. "Dragonstone" had it's ups and downs forcing viewers to go on an emotional rollercoaster for a whopping 60 minutes. FHM audience, I bring to you my thoughts—WARNING: SPOILER ALERTS AHEAD, YOU'RE WELCOME
DUN DUN DUDU DUN DUN DUDU DUN DUN DUDU—is this intro ever going to get old or am I destined to rock out in my room alone every damn time?!
I have goosebumps, is this normal? I guess it's better than a Game of Thrones induced boner.
I thought Walder Frey was dead? Wait, he definitely is dead! Oh shit, oh shit!!! That's Arya, that's definitely Arya. She's gonna kill them all!! OH SHIT, OH SHIT.
DRINK THE WINE! DRINK THE WINE!
So long, you murderous losers.
Every time Cersei and Jaime are on screen together, I think they're a cute couple until I remember they're related.
Couldn't Cersei have just commissioned a painting of the map, did she have to be all extra and use the entire floor of a room? We get it, you're trying to rule The Seven Kingdoms—good luck with that, girlfriend.
Did anyone else think she was being super-flippant about Tommen's suicide? Sure, Cersei is generally known for being cold-hearted, but when it comes to her children she always showed a great deal of compassion. In fact, it's the only time she ever appeared human. I guess we can kiss those days goodbye.
Why does Euron Greyjoy look like he belongs in a My Chemical Romance cover band? Furthermore, and even more concerning, why do I find him attractive?
Lynna Mormont is the TRUTH, point-blank-period!
I'm not sure if Sansa is pissing me off or not, then again, when don't I feel that way about her?
Jon is undoubtedly a suitable King of The North, but I worry that he's too soft. Then again, he's risen from the dead, so perhaps I should trust in his abilities. Plus, just look at him! Do you know anyone else who can rock the hell out of an outfit that ridiculous?
I don't think I'm ever going to fully understand Bran's storyline. If anyone cares to explain it to me/teach an entire college-level course on it, please let me know.
Sam is basically Andy from The Devil Wears Prada and Hermione from Harry Potter right now all rolled into one. Oh, I'm also getting some Shawshank Redemption vibes with the copious amounts of poop.
Where's Daenerys? Let me guess, you guys are gonna save homegirl and her squad for the last 5-minutes, right? Don't you think that shtick is getting a little old?!
THERE SHE IS, THERE SHE IS. OMG DRAGONS.
Nobody is saying anything, but you can just tell the moment is POWERFUL AF. She's finally home! She's ready to reclaim what was taken from her! Why am I crying!
SAY SOMETHING, WE'RE DYING HERE. I MEAN, I'M DYING HERE!! I'm watching this alone because people claim I get too intense about it and they'd rather not watch with me—whatever, they're loss.
"Shall we begin?" I'm DEAD. She's the only character who can be silent for 5-minutes then bust out a one-liner like that. She's perfection. We love you, Dany. Can't wait to watch you slay the entire Kingdom into tiny little pieces.