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How To Be A Man On Your First Day At Work

We don’t mean to whine, but sometimes being a guy is tricky. Here’s our indispensable guide to acting like a man when the going gets tough.

The primary aim on your first day at a new job is to avoid picking up a career-ruining nickname that you will never be able to shake. Walked in with a coffee? Coffee Boy. Five minutes late to your induction? Big Late John. Forgot your wallet and had to borrow a fiver from your deskmate for lunch? At your retirement party, they will still be calling you Forgetty McWalletface.

Day One is mainly setting up your new computer and adjusting the height of your chair, with the real work coming later. This leaves you eight working hours to fuck up your first impression with every person in the office. So: don’t do that thing where you repeat a new name three times every time you hear it (‘John, is it? Hi John. Nice to meet you, John’) because you’ll just sound like a cyborg; don’t microwave any fish in the shared kitchen; don’t fuck up saying goodbye at the end of the day (‘Farebye! See well!’); don’t tell any joke that requires you to explain before and after that you’re not actually racist.
 
Image: Columbia Pictures

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