Season’s greetings, guys! There’s nothing I enjoy more on these long, winter nights than lying in front of a cozy fire on a thick bear skin rug, sucking on a hard standard sized—No. 2 pencil, thinking about articles to write for you guys. I know, I know: “CJ, stop toying with our jingle bells!” I promise, I’ll try.
The holidays can be stressful and bring lots of anxiety, but don't let them get you nervous—because I’m here to tell you the real reason you should be nervous.
For women, holidays are universal life markers, particularly for relationships. Most of my guy friends dread the Holidays because “The Talk” is usually creeping around the mistletoe. The dreaded “what are we, where is this going” interrogation ensues. Once she gets the urge to initiate “The Talk”, she'll hunt you down like Katniss Everdeen from The Hunger Games, cornering you like the feral animal that you are, and drop the ultimatum: break up or step up.
While it's an unfair proposition, it's your reality. To help you out, though, I've narrowed down three separate conditions that will trigger your girlfriends primal instinct to wrangle you into “The Talk”.
People are actively and relentlessly trying set her up on dates with the random dudes. They don't want her to die alone (i.e., they have no faith in you).
She ran out of small talk with the fam and can no longer avoid discussing her relationship status—Nanna needs an answer ASAP!
She has so much debt and likes the idea of some financial freedom, asking herself, “ah, shouldn't we just lock this down?”
Are you starting to understand why the holidays complicate things? ‘Tis the season of love and family—family bombarding you with sad-eyed questions regarding relationships.
“What are you doing over the Holidays? Are you spending it with that boyfriend of yours? Wait, is he even your boyfriend? What exactly is this thing you two have going? Why aren’t you spending the Holidays together? You HAVE to meet my physical trainer Antonio, he has great hair!”
This is every conversation your girl is having regarding you for the next few weeks. Speaking from personal experience, dodging very specific questions while in an undefined relationship is so awkward! With all this in mind, here are some tips to help you navigate the Holidays with your, uh, "Gal-Pal."
If you go home with her for the holidays, be extra thoughtful with gifts. The price doesn’t matter; all her family wants to see is that you know her preferences or noticed that she needed a new iPad. Don’t go buying her a puppy or a ring when you plan on moving to Asia in two months to “find yourself”.
Once you’ve turned into “Prince Charming”, she’ll go Fatal Attraction if you disappoint her. No matter how grand your gesture, nothing can stop the inevitable “talk”. Once she finds out you weren’t buying her a nice gift—and buying yourself more time—she'll sleep with your best friend, pawn that promise ring, then continue to raise your puppy with Antonio, the physical trainer. Never trust a girl with chipped nails, she's got nothing to lose.
Holidays With Friends
Throw her a bone and let her “stunt” on her friends—is it really that hard to validate your relationship in front of her co-workers?
Unfortunately, for both of you, she’ll have to listen to everyone’s opinions of you, even if she doesn’t ask for it. Your girlfriend is no doubt instinctively using the holiday season as an opportunity to test you, and your survival rate is comparable to that of winning the TV show Ninja Warrior!
Use the holidays to make her feel special. Let her show Nanna who the boss is, and pass on that blind date with Antonio Roberto Alejandro, the physical therapist with the “great hair”.
If you're not bringing the future-mother-of-your-children back home with you this year, the least you can do is leave the baggage behind.
I love a good holiday battle with family members—I’ve been known to start food fights and storm out with the dramatic statement, “I’m never coming back home again!” (Note: I did, in fact, return).
Save yourself the headache and don’t start drama with the family. Go into it knowing they’ve been waiting all year to get you alone and relentlessly push your buttons. All you have to do is pretend to be a grown up for a couple days and, next thing you know, you'll be a regular invite to these types of functions.
Bottom line: The holidays are the best, and often the hardest, time for relationships. Whatever your relationship status, always look out for her well-being and be an amazing friend. If any of you rascals get into any fiascos, just drop me a DM on Instagram and I’ll help give you more of what you need to survive the holidays.
Good luck in the trenches, soldier!
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